"i worshop the ground you walk on, and you treat me like the mud between your toes"

i was saving this tittle for somthing good then i realized it would never be good enough. yule shoot your eye out is on repeat, the new most played song on my ipod.

my heart and mind are ganging up on me to make me look like a fool!

both my heart and mind still have that little five year old in them, and i dont want you to see that and think of me as a little kid b/c im not,and if i were why would they let me drive?i had a child hood but an adult one. i was never aloud to play n the dirt, but as i got older i was, and then i became a tom boy, untill my friends made me change, but now im half and half. im atuff chick with style. they used to and still do call me an old lady sometimes becuas i worry to much, not like im gonna get hurt physically worry, because we all know i love to try stupid stunts. it was always more of a how will that affect people and how will it affect me, all emotionaly. And not to mention the ocd, erms will make me faint, even though every now and then, like once a mount i will do something tht will give me a lil bit of germs, but not enough to get me sick. you knowwhat it feels like to be told you killed your own immune system? it sucks, when the docter says your white blood cell count is down and you might not be able to leave the hospital, when you are 10, it is scary, u just want to go home after a long day of test. thats why i have calmed down a lot.

Ever look at a playgruond filled wth little kids when you drive by? not in the creepy way but in the envyous way? how they are so nieve to what is actually on around them. hw they are in their own little world and their parents allow it. they have no fears and little worries. i may have been to aware, i would sit with the adults rather then the children and talk with the teachers rather my class mates, maybe i was too intelegent of mature. but what ever it was, i wish it wasn't, because now i miss it, like they say you never know what you got till its gone. and i wish that now i could be nieve, but then again, if i were now then reality would end up giving me one hell of an ass kicking. when your are little you dont relize the transformation as much because it is too quick, but for an adult, even if they are young at heart, they would know and it would fuck them up worse.but who am i to talk, im not better than anyone else so why should my words matter? it shouldnt, and i know this, im wasting my time and your's, im sorry, forgive me?plz?

ever look up at the stars and think of how insignificant we are?

i actually walk up at 4 pm today, usually my friends or family would have had me up at 2pm but today they let me sleep, what they havent done in weeks. i cant help but always wonder how the world wouldstill be the same if i died tomarrow, you wouldnt know nor are, my friends would care for a short amount of time, and even more less now since there has been a little more of a distance between us, since i've been sitting here staring at this monitor waiting to see your next move. my familly, well now my familly they would pretend to mourn well, and they would be good at it because most of them love the attention, i doubt they would care to much about what ever it was that happened to me, they would just be glad the bithc was gone. the only thing keeping me sane, that last thread, is this and you. my name may mean heavenly messenger sent from god, but when i looked it up on a quiz it said "Angela --[noun]:A deadly strain of projectiile vomit" and i couldnt help but think it was real. i have no skills, except the ones i am told i "have" like art,writting,baking sometimes, and being good with animals, and athat aint really a skill. i get 90's and up in adv art, but i still think i uck at it. maybe its because there is always room to improve, or just because i think of my self as never being good enough. in writting, people say im good and have potential, i dont show every one how i write because i know it sux, because it is just a bunch of vents, but its not like im angry or depressed, yes, sometimes i feel self loath and self disgust, but simply because im good at it. i am able to feel this because i have reason to, you might not know it and my friends and familly might not, but that is because like i always say, i was raised as crying is for pussies. it was always and still is like showing anything other than anger is wrong. lately when i laugh i mean it, but then when i look back on it later i realize i wanted to laugh but i wasnt really laughing, it was an act. Who do i fucking turn to when my fucking world is crumbling down on me? who the fuck do i turn to? cant fucking turn to you because i dont know you and you dont fucking know me! as much as we would like to think we could know someone threw their writing. so now what the fuck am i supposed to do now?
^5:30



10:23
i would give anything to talk you, and yu fucking know that, but who the fuck am i supposed to turn to? you know you have people to turn to, you might not wanna turn to them but you know u can. i dont have that, i wold kill for that. you know sometimes i think you like the way people critzes you, because it gives you somthing to complain about, and sometimes it seems like you want people to think your unhappy, when you realy are happy. sometimes think your just an act inorder to get an reaction outta people. sometimes i wanna hate you o bad and tell my self i do, but we know that it doesnt last more then a secound becouse you cant hate the person you respect the most.what do i want? i want to show people the other side of me with out them thinking i've changed because i've actually always been like this. i want to cry and have some one hold me, i want to tell every one how i feel at that moment in time, but i cant. as much as i love the fact thaat only i read this, i wish you would, but then again i wish you wouldnt. because this seems so unlike the person i am. the number i have i would like to call and just talk to, but i cant, becuase it is not aloud, it just sits there in my phone book, on its speed dial, with its ringer id, hopeing that it will one day apear on the caller id or one day i will be able to call it and have the person on the other line pick up. the age i was when my world changed, the number of times i got blocked on aim, the age i was when i lost my grandmother, the number of times i cried this mont. the number of fingers on each hand, the number of people i would like to confied in and truly love,the age joe is at this very moment, and the number of times ive listend to your voice and said i loved you in my head this month. if you figure that out and know what it means, then please im me or call me, do something, maybe then i wont feel as in significant in this hell hole. it may be an old or current number, but when you find it, you will know it and you must find me, becuase then maybe i can realy find my self and find you.

what the computer thinks of me

this is what i get from staring at this monitor for hours at a time.

Your Blogging Type Is Thoughtful and Considerate

You're a well liked, though underrated, blogger.You have a heart of gold, and are likely to blog for a cause.You're a peaceful blogger - no drama for you!A good listener and friend, you tend to leave thoughtful comments for others.

What's" Your Blogging Personality?

and this

Your Blogging Type is Zany and Charming

You're a popular blogger with a flair for getting attention.But you're not all fluff - in fact, you're far from it.Your blog is full of interesting ideas and fun finds.You're a fascinating person, and it shows through on your blog.

What's" Your Blogging Personality?

What Bull Huh?!

I hope you fucking cry, because at least then I will know I can get a reaction from you!

Ever think this could be true? Or am I just an undiscovered writer?


john stood on his front steps, with a look of sadness and determination in his grateful eyes. Theresa turned back one last time with an endearing look in her eyes. She quickly said to john,"You know I love you and always will, just understand, I have to do this, I have to go, I have to leave you here for now, I cant stay any longer. You know where I am going there is no coming back. You can think its wrong or maybe dark, but I have to do this and there is no turning back. Just no that I aint coming back, but I will see you gain! I love you more than anything, just promise me you know that! I will miss you, and think of you always and never stop loving you, my love will never end for you!". She was crying as she shouted the last part at john. John took 6 steps forward and grabbed Theresa's waist and said " I know you need to do this, I know you aren't coming back, I know tonight is it, for a long time, I will miss you too, but I will always love you too, and always know you love me, and I understand why you have to." His eyes were all glassy, as he held back his tears, because he thought it was selfish, and vain. Then John bursted in to tears because he really did understand now and showed how he was feeling. She hugged him, he picked her up, it was there last real and passionate kiss, and they both knew it. They cried together. He hugged her,she hugged him.she walked away in pride and in shame, she never knew it was possible to feel both at once. She turned back on last time for real, she looked in his eyes, he looked in hers they had a conversation, only there minds would ever be able to understand and comprehend what they were saying. If I told you, it would be use less, because you would think you get, but in reality you have no idea. As she walked away, he felt a a hard im act on his chest, he stepped back, as if he he were just punched by a great boxer with great force. That was the last night he seen her. Since, every now and then something reminds him of her, and like the perfect and true guy, who is sincere and honest, he cries, not afraid to show the love he had and still has for her.


so where did she go? What did she do?
25% of you will say she committed that night
25% of you will say she moved far away, maybe to another country or to a state across the country.
25% will say she was hauled off to jail
25% will choose something other

In what ever you choose, you will find your self, who you are, who you want to be, your nature, what you are accustomed to. If you can not decide on an answer, you will know why.

if you did not understand this, then your heart isn't as strong as you think, or hope, and your mind isn't either. I hate to say this, but you aren't deep.

And if you are "john" or "Theresa" then my heart goes out to you, for only you know the truest of love, and what message this has, and how actual real love feels, and doesn't die.

They say that smells,colors or even sounds can trigger memories or feelings from a while back.

For me its the color yellow. Its not so much a feeling, but a memory that triggers a feeling. b/c yellow, it broke my heart. every one knew about yellow. we were good together, but we werent actually together, we were as he would say " friend enemies" but we were a little more. and we wanted more, but neither was strong enough. now i say i hate that color, but i dont. i say i hate him, but i dont. i hate what he unintentionally did. and how i heard that he said something about me to a friend, and tried to say that is the reason he wouldnt ask me out. yet every day he visted me for like a month after i got out of the hospital. i was able to talk to him, tell him things i wouldnt dare tell my friends, and he listened like they wouldnt, and gave me good advice, and i took it. but the secound his friends walked in we would jump up from the table and curse eachother like there was no tomarrow. he locked me in that very room, and as he did so, he looked me in the eyes threw the glass, the look in his eyes said " i have to do this, you know it is a joke, if i dont we will never live it down, and they will all know how we feel." the look in mine said " i know, why the hell do u think im not killing you right now like i would if someone else was doing it". he ran down the hall way, and as i got out i ran after him, but slow so i wouldnt catch him. later we talked when we went back to the school grounds, it wasnt anything intense, just normal,but we still had that connection and knew where we stood. but now, i still love yellow, somewhere in the back of my heart, but i would never tell it or go to it, i felt betrayed by the one i realy thought i loved, and it wasnt b/c i thought i needed love, it was b/c he was there for me, maybe that was the wrong reason. i didnt love yellow, b/c who it was, but i loved it b/c who it was when it was around me. im not gonna say it was love anymore, b/c now i think i only love yelow as a great friend, even though i refuse to go near it. nothing has been the same since then, i dont really let myself get attached to anyone b/c no one knows what tomarrow holds in store. but i usually dont think of yellow unless i seee it, or something yellow. now my mind is busy not sleeping b/c it worries over someone i don't know, which is worse, but atleast im not living in the past. xoxo or xxoo, which ever u prefer, because im two quarters and a heart down and i dont wanna forget how your voice sounds, and these words are all i have so i right them, but i actually really do need them toget by more than u will ever know.(yes, that was kinda a fob quote, but come on, they explain it so good, or atleaste plkw3 does.) and sorry for typos, to lazy to actualy reread this, and use spell check.

i cant stand by and not push a lil kid out of the way of a speeding train!

this kills me to just stand here and watch this happen. as i feel helpless b/c i cant do shit about it! it may not be my buisseness, but would the kid be? shouldnt his mother have been watcing him? this hruts me so bad, even thou it is b/c of you, its b/c of me, if that makes sense. i was watching a movie and there was a song it said " you say i cant be n love, but i want to be in love, for real", i cried and thought of you. you want love, but you dont have it, no matter how hard yo tick yourself, get over it. you want to be fucked or to say fuck you, then fine. you want to be married, fine, we all do. but dont do it for the wrong reasons, dont fuck it up. i have so much to say and expailn, but through this monitor u wont be able to get it. if u cross me on the street, be ready for a mouthfull! b/c i love you, you jackass!

DR. PHIL AINT GOT NOTTIN ON ME!

So the other day my mother to;d me I was like " Ann Landers" and I was like " who the hell is that?!" and she told me she had an advice column and I should write one. I don't really know how I help people fix their problems when I cant fix mine. I can only ask you things that you can answer and through that help you realize what you really want and need to do. Or what u been doing wrong, or right. But not actually help you, only you can help you I can only help you in helping yourself, if that made sense? LOL!


I may not know you or have a right to say what I am about to, but it has been bothering me for weeks and since no one will ever see this, especially you, I have no reason to worry about saying this. I don't think you were ever really in love. You think you need love so much, but you really don't. You just love the idea of being in love so you just trick yourself into thinking you are. YOU don't need it! I'm telling you this! If you keep tricking yourself into thinking your in love, you will keep wasting your time and miss out on true love, and never really find it, and keep passing it up. But, if you get what I'm saying, then good, if not, then your a lost cause, I hate to say it but u leave me no choice, but I will still try every now and then to get through to you.(even though I wont b/c only I read this and understand the writing, it just helps to say.)

"Cause what you say is what you say, say what you say "

"Cause what you say is what you say, say what you say how you say it whenever you sayin it, just remember how you said it when you were sprayin it So who you playin with huh.. huh.. huh.. huh? "

so, just felt like quoting that. I speak blonde, and every other mistaken language. I always get what people are saying, like " hot pink green" its not a mix, it just means hot green or lime green. I finally got threw the day w/o thinking of you, until I saw the word buffalo, and thought of how 8 hrs changed my life and made me cry for 4 weeks straight. im not easy to cry but I felt betrayed. I think by now we know my thoughts on reality, and how I am addicted to this screen, watching your every move on here. But it finally got better, my mental health break from those stupid gay ass boreds finally worked. But a new series of dreams arose, but I rather have them then the greatest level of insomnia. Am finally sleeping, well a lil more than I was. I have so much to say, but maybe not now b/c im feeling like shit b/c of allergies, im allergic to my dog but I lover her too much! But I find it hard to take my self to seriously, and sometimes others too, but
I find it sad that I do this sometimes. But at the same time I do take it way too serious and I spend a lot of nights worrying ,lying in bed, scared. I worry for people I know, love, and don't know. Like a fear of the unknown too. Like in that book,the very boy, I love that book, its like a symbol and key to everything. Well my advil awaits as it dances with my allegra, waiting for its party crasher to snatch it.




"love can conquer anything, except lack of love" <-------- that explains a lot!

If you want me to wait I will wait for you, if you tell me to stay I will stay right through, if you don't wanna say anything at all I'm happy wondering

Only not really. Wondering can only last for so long. You're figuring yourself out as you go, so am I. i think I'm getting there faster. When I get there I will be ready for anything and everything. There will e a limit to how long I can I can what to move on with my life, I can slowy start to progress as I wait for you but how long will that last? Will I even still be here when I figure myself out? Will I be the same? Of course I will be the same but will you? When you finally find urself will you be he same? When I am found will I still want this? Will I still hold you up like this? Will I still see you in the same light? Why does life do this? Am I crazy? No, I'm psychotic! You know how many times I have to say that in a day? You know how many people ask me what's the difference? You know how many times I say there is a fine line between the two? You know how much reality can suck. You know how many times I thin that dreams are another realm that we enter? Have you ever got hurt in a dream and felt it when you woke up? Or got a cut and found that u actually had the cut when you woke up?You know how many questions I have and could ask?You know how many of these will never be answered? You know how many fears I have? Do you think about these things to? Well if you don't, know you will. Peace.... Until......... I dunno, u? (and the title, yes, it is a good charlotte quote.)

Am i wrong? do i have issues? do i really need help? would you like to decide?

is it wrong that the lyrics that are dark make me feel like love and happienes? "so wear me like a lockett around ur throat ill weigh u down ill watch you choke", why do i feel like someone is say ing to another person " i love you so much and want to be with close with u a.a.f."? i need help if m the only one who got that outta this. or " make you dry ur eyes with the same line" i got "u'ii hate this and cry because you cant help but love it too", just me? wtf, i finally sleep and this is what i get. sorry avioding doing what i am told to, this is more fun the taking a test online.

You wanna talk about my morals?!?!?!?!

Who is where on my list?


Who's lyrics do I respect and love the most?: Eminem- at some level we can all relate to something he says, especially some celebrities, if they listen to him. (Marshall Bruce Mathers III)

Peter Wentz- his word have meaning and if we can't relate at some points, then we feel like we can interpret it into other aspects and even sometimes get the feeling that it just happened to us. Some times some lyrics just stick with you and others at some times can make you laugh. Someone you know will say one of his lyrics without even knowing it b/c they might not even know of fob, but you will laugh because you know you will hear the lyrics atleast 69 times a day, on TV and in real life (yes I counted). ( Peter Lewis Kingston Wentz III)

Who's voice can relax me in a second?: Marshall Bruce Mathers III, Patrick Martin Stump(h), Rihanna(sometimes), Peter Lewis Kingston Wentz III, Curtis Jackson(sometimes).

Who do I hold on the highest pedestule?: Eminem, slim shady, Marshall Bruce Mathers III. I been listening to him since the second grade I grew up with it (his music that is).

Who did I grow up listening to that I still do a lot today?: Eminem, green day, destiny's child.




so, now that justifies me being fucked up, right?

"sever the ties with you!"

I cant take it! I don't like how the thought of you makes me feel! I constantly wonder what the next words you say will be, and if they are in response to mine of if they have any relation to me. I haven't been as active as I was when it came to doing things that were revolved around something or thought of you. I've calmed my self down a lot lately, but I feel like I am losing touch and being disloyal. I am missing out on a lot lately, especially since I rediscovered that I have a life besides awaiting for your words and thoughts and opinions. And I have discovered what I want out of this. A friend, someone to talk with, share things I cant share with others. Someone I can love with out being "with". Someone I can hold and be held b as we talk, but just as friends who love eachother more than life, and maybe in ten years if it brings more, then it just brings more. I wanna lean to be a "now person" and live in the moment, and not worry about latter and the consequences. For once I wanna be free, and let my cares go, but I want you to help me do it. I cant do it on my own, or maybe its just me seeking your approval. So until I get it which I know I wont, im gonna be how Henry every said he didn't want to be. im gonna be caged, and when someone sets me free, I wont leave. But maybe because I've grown accustomed, or maybe because it wasn't you who let me out. His obsession must stop before I "loose my cool, up in hea, up in hea!" because I already made my self "act a fool, up in hea,up in hea!", but as much as I wanna erase you from my mind, I cant, because through this I found pieces of me I didn't know existed, forgot about, and tried to hide. Through this you have come to stand for and symbolize what I have became and who I am. My mind has gone far away. I sleep with the phone on my bed in hope that you will call it because my number has been placed in somany place that you probably passed it up a million times, and I still hope that you will go back and find it. I make myself look like a crazy idiot because I hope maybe then you might give me a second glance. I know you wont, but this hope is the only thing keeping me holding on. plz, if you have a heart and free time, get back to me, because I almost lost everyone I loved in order to try to find you. ♥ that east coast bitch

What the fuck do I know?

I might not know much but what I do know it this...

I know I love you
I know I love your mind
I know I love your words
I know I love my friends
I know I who I hate
I know I hate myself
I know I love myself
I know why I hate the people I do
I know why I love the people I do
I know I need people who are sincere in my life
I know I need people who are honest no matter what
I know I need someone like you
I know I cant be with you
I know I cant meet you
I know I cant talk with you
I know I cant "chill" with you
I know I cant "know" you, the really you
I know there is more behind your public persona
I know after a while gum turns to liquid
I know I am random
I know I am fun
I know I can have a good time
I know I don't worry about getting "dirty" or getting "my hair wet"
I know I can roll with the punches
I know I am strong
I know the only person who could most likely break me down in a second is you
I know these keys are to close together
I know I can go on forever
I know I have a sweet side
I know I can be sentimental
I know I can be a bitch
I know I can be a jackass
I know I can be a smartass
I know I can assume things
I know I can open some people's eyes
I know I probably cant open yours
I know I can go on for hours
I know I should stop now
I know I will after I say this
I know I want to be able to just talk to you for at least a minute to show you there are sincere and true people left in this hell hole called earth and that
I know you hate me and wish I would just stop talking or typing or both.

" A loaded god complex cock it and pull it"?

So, my day has been pretty shitty, so I'm just gonna write one of my interpretations of a good song.

I get the concept of the song sugar we're going down, but it could have so many different meanings, and usually it is up to us to decide, which is cool, but did you ever wonder what the writer meant? Now, since we mainly could get the concept of the song, the chorus or hook is up for grabs, because it leaves to many unanswered questions. Ok, so I understand how you can cock and pull a loaded god complex, but not when it is used under Mr. Peter Wentz's definition. Or is it meant as : A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it? Well, under it being said like that, it could mean, to just like shoot the thing, which could symbolize shooting down any thing or one who is different, or not excepting change. But the world may never know because we have no true way of asking Mr. Wentz himself. We can however interpret it in to our lives and remove it from the song for just one minute. For me, I like to take it as a girl and guys relation ship and there undying love just because it helps me sleep better at night when it comes on my ipod. So the story in my head goes as : a guy and a girl are gonna go threw all the obstacles and bad times n there life together no matter what. They may start facing these problems early but it wont separate them. And they aren't gonna give up without a fight. And he will try to protect her no matter what. Also it doesn't matter what she has said into the past or will say to him, he wont leave her side. But that is just how I like to think of it because that makes my life a little better to think that someone is that faithful to another person. But like I said, none of this is what the chorus really means, but just some of the ways I think it could be represented in. So until Mr. wentz himself gives us all the answer, this could be a possibility. And yes, its "god" not "gun", I'm sure, if you think otherwise then go look it up.

"the stars are blind"

I might hate the person who sings the song, but I cant help but to love it. This song makes me think way back to the summer vacations during elementary school. We would all say good bye like it was the end of he road, even though we knew we would be in the same class and fight with the same people for another year at a time. We even said good bye to our nemisist. With bright smiles and happy fake giggles we would say "I'll miss you and hope to see you soon" then walk away and pretend to gag.dont you miss that? The other day I went back to the school, when it was closed. I climbed the slide and my friend was laughing. She said you cant block the slide people wanna go on it. So I decided t do other things. She sat on the bench and I told her that it was the playground, lets act like third graders again. I really miss that. It may have been worse than the high school, but at least you were you, every side of you, we all had our split personalities. Yeah we all act like kids still because no one wants to get old, but I wonder if we are all always true to ourselves. I doubt it. So my new guilty pleasure music is Paris, not as much Kelly because well we all admitted to it so I don't feel guilty.but yesterday, before I went to get my nails did, I took a shower, I had a head ache since the night be fore, I don't know if the ills finally kicked in of if washing my hair helped, but it finally went away. So since I was so happy, I put my hair up in pigtails, and braided them, I felt like a little kid again, it was great, I think things like this help keep us grounded, but for that one person I cant help but think of, when you find that thing to keep you grounded tell me, because I doubt you will, because this clear you don't really wan to.

"I'll tell you what I want what I really really want."

Now, I just finally got out of that phase where I just wanna be with you all the time and not share you. Its not even like you are property, or like we even know each other, because you may not even be real. As much as it might kill me to say, you can be an act. I don't believe it, but I know it is a possibility. I just would love to get to know the person who I lay awake worrying have the night away about. Even though I know it is not my place to worry, but I don't worry about what half the others do. Mine is different but maybe the internet is not the best place to write it, because its not the best place to read it. Friends for life is what I would like to leave this with. Because that would be the greatest honor. Because through friends, you can show undying love and how much you truly care. Yeah, sometimes this lead people to want more, but when you want more in the first lace but settle for friends, every thing its cool, of so I hope. eventhough I want to hate you at times for some low dirtbaggy things you do, I know I can't. Because for some reason, when it comes to you I am able to over look the actions, and remember the person who did them. Because we all do things that are stupid, but if we didn't think they were, hat doesn't change it, but if people leave us for it or turn their backs and use it against us, then they weren't really friends, and weren't really here for us, the people who we truly are. I am not a sheep nor a parrot, and I will continue to back you even thou I might not believe in it all the times, because as long as I'm true to myself in doing so "its all good!".

"look at the stars and know somewhere you are dreaming of me too"

So the other night I tried sleeping with my clothes on like I do a lot of the time, for some reason I thought that this time I would make me feel closer to you, but I guess I was wrong. For this time I got really bad cuts in my hips from that new belt, and that hoodie kept getting trapped around my neck. This was the first time this ever happened so I took it as a sign. I changed into my soft pink pajamas and layed awake for most the night. Maybe if someone were to read this I would come off to strong. But in real life I come off to soft. im just that loopy ass bitch who cant balance for shit. And that same bitch who is mean to everyone but behind it is love, but still loves to crack smart ass remarks and say stupid dirty things. If people I ever knew read this, my life would end. I only want to let one person know me like this, but I haven't found that person yet. I can dream and think of who I want that person to be, but I know that the person I want it to be is off limits. This is hard living two lives, like a secrete agent. The other day I broke down and started crying, but since I was raised as crying is a sign f weakness I stopped, and was told to stfu. My life may be easy, but after a while little things build up, and then they hit you like a ton of bricks, of feathers. So I know who I want to be my one confidant, but I know it wont happen, so to anyone in this world, when you look up at those stars who do you see? Who do you hope yours will be? If it is someone you know it will never be, realize it, but don't forget them, because they have got you through this so far and will until you find your one person. So to you, I know you are there, you might not be reading this but that doesn't matter. When you look at those stars and you feel someone looking back, that is me, don't be scared, jut appreciate it, and smile, because god knows I love that smile.

you jump i jump

before i go to bed, one more thing troubles me, some one said somthing about despair. your are so right. but its better when you have the one person who loves and gets you right by yourside. it makes the sound less and brightness duller, there like your earmuffs and shades. it may not stop the despair, but it makes it a little easier to get through. it pisses me off how you dont understand how there really are people who care and you really are great. and how no matter how much you here it, it still doesnt phase you or make a difference. but im learning to live with it, but i still hope that someday the blinds in your room will be drawn and you will see the world and the real people outside, and not just what you think is out side. so im gonna tell you something flat out, i love this line and only use it when i love something a lot, so here it is, you jump, i jump! thats how it is gonna be! ..........k, that was the last venting article i will right, im done now.

"one pill makes you smaller, one pill makes you bigger, and the one that mother gives you does nothing at all"

to all the people who say they love me, you are all liars! You can't love someone you don't even know! I know its my fault, I really am the person you know and love you just don't know all of me. Like how I cry when im alone, or how I rarely sleep, and you all think im drunk. Or how no this is a quote from a wise person " I find the people I tend to obsess over, rarely obsess over me". But maybe one day you will get to know the real me, and not just the bitch.but I love you, no, I take it back, I heart you, because love is a word that gets thrown a round to loosely, heart means you give them your heart and you really do love them. Peace because I really do talk like that.

p.s. im like one min. Away from asking my doc. For prozac and ambion b/c u all know how crazy my fam. Is, but ill be strong and deal without the meds,LOL.

why do i love you, when i want to hate you so much?

ok, now i have a problem with you. you said people want your number but dont want to have a conversation with you. and they want people to think they know you, but they realy dont want to realy know you. now i dont know if you were talking about your friends or people like fans who " wanna be your friends". but either way, that was fucked up! yeah i got what you ment and were trying to say. But there are some people out there who would love to have an intelectual conversation with you, and would love to hear your opinions and views on things and in general. Maybe even have a little playfull debate, because we all know we love them. And not every one is all like, "oh i only want to talk to him because he is that famous bassist/songwritter/frontman of that realy famous group" some peopl wanna actually have a conversation with you because your "(insert nickname you feel like being called today here), that funny/sweet/cool/geek/ human guy from wilmette". And im sorry you feel the way you do, but if you cant understand this then 've failed at trying to show that some people are human and not all wat some people call "teenie" or "fake" or "star struck" and some people just want to be able to get to know someone because they seem interesting and seem like they could be a good friend or nice person to chat with. but its not lke you give these people a chance to talk with you. because there are a million and one fakes out there, the handful or true and sincere people get denied and have to suffer. and it's like, when people do get your number, its not like they can call because you dont except calls from that number anyway. And do you know how many people would die to see your number on there caller id? Just beuse you seem like a nice, and actually human person. And now, for the messageboardes, there are some people like me who defend you all the time and wont ever stop because i have yur back no matter what. some people just say things because they just want to see your reaction, just ignore it, and sometimes its just because they are jealous, ad sometimes its because they want to piss off those "teenies" which they have a right to even thou it is mean. But you need to not listen to the negitive things because people will always be there to say them.but sometimes they can make you relize things and help yourself. But some one was just saying how you cant ive out a bad moment forever. i said that was true, but sometimes you need to relive it because, you can never forget a moment because it helped build you andshape you and make you who you are. But anyway, so this is my reactoin to your reactions. i know you will never read this, but if by chance you do i had to get this outta my system because it was eating at me all day, i hope you understand this and where i am comming from. k?

Just another chapter in my life, don't worry, i know you dont care.

Somtimes when i think of you my soul hurts and screams
Thinking how i could never be w/ you
And we could never happen
B/c you are simply not in my reach
They say how the hot guys are always taken or gay
But they never say how they're not in your reach
Maybe its b/c if you try hard enough you could make something happen
But what if you couldn't try as hard as you wanted?
What if you had restrictions?
You could brake them but you would be destroying your own life
Sometimes being so young has its restrictions
And no im not talking about smoking,drinking or even sex b/c yeah they're illegal in some cases but a million people break them every second
I'm talking about what you can do under the control of you parents or gaurdians without leting them know to much and pushing there limits so they kill you or kick you out
But also not having enough money to support you if this might lead you to travel or somthing that cost money
In your head you can imagine what you would do and how you would do it if you had no restrictions, but the key words are imagine and if
So no one can actually truely try their hardest they can only sincerely do their best and try their best and try their hardest to their restrictions which is not truely their hardest ,only sincerly
I'm set up for falure so bad when it comes to you
I know i haveno chance when it comes to you but i still cant give up
If u give up now i feel i will lose everything i found while reaching for you
Myself, feelings, talents, how the peple i talk to feel and everything else
If i lose the thought of you i will lose myself
I dare to dream but do i dare to relize?
maybe not b/c reality hurts, but you cant dream forever and when you do come back to reality it hurts worst
So why not limbo?
There is no limbo
Life is hard, ther are no do overs or 80 millionth chances
This is life, you live it once
So why spend it obssesing over you?
B/c you have come to symbolize everything i've become to stand for and now i have found parts of myself that were in the dark corners of my heart that i tried to pretend did not exist
I've wanted this for so long
It's like when you want that $300 game and when you finally get it you use it once then only take it out every now and then so your parents dont complain about how you never use it and wasted it
Somtimes im afraid that will hapen w/ you
But then i quickly relize that would never happen b/c i want this so much and love you beyond belief
If you could read this you would probaly laugh then read it again and take it for what it is ;sincerity, truthfull, And appreciat it and love it for what it is
Maybe you would be able to relate
Or maybe not
But you will never read this so this is pointless
And another trick of reality, making us think that if we write it, it will come true or be read
So as i fall asleep in my bed i will go back to my heart which is skeptic, not knowing if i should let it out that i love you or push it to the back where the heart ache will be great and secret and while being great and secret, also more pain felt then ever,it will also be tried to keep as a secret from me
So as you read this, this will be the question on my mind
So as i dare to dream i dare to relize
How sincere this all is, and how someone could possibly feel and think this way and feel this in relation to you
So as i dare to dream i will go to sleep and try to egnore and block out the screams and cries of my soul by planing music louder
So i say good night and i hope this gives you somthing to think about
love,
yours truly,your sicere luv
or love, the little loving, caring, hopefull
dreaming girl,
Angela
P.S. you dont even know i exist
11:35-12:11
4/25-4/26

To you, the person I will never meet...

Sometimes
sometimes I wanna fall asleep with my clothes on
sometimes I wanna fall asleep in your arms
sometimes just knowing how much u understand me makes me wanna cry b/c I don't deserve you and how much you love me
sometimes just falling asleep next to you is enough
sometimes I feel like passing out in my clothes and sometimes you do too
sometimes you just want to be loved and understood, and loved for who you are
sometimes I do too
sometimes feeling the warmth of your body and being held tight and close in your arms is enough to get me through the night to the awaiting day
sometimes your smile is enough
sometimes your eyes and that look in them melts me
sometimes I feel im such a bad person and don't deserve you b/c you are sweet,loving,caring,and adorable and so hot
but then quickly you remind me im wrong and the only place you belong is on the couch with me in your arms
sometimes before you id cry my self to sleep thinking there was no reason for living and I was a waste and the people I loved that died shouldn't have
sometimes I think it should've been me and not them
they were perfect and had people who loved them and needed them and they didn't deserve that b/c they had a purpose
sometimes I cry
then you quickly remind me ur by my side
sometimes we make references to the future which u know I hate
but sometimes u still do
sometimes I remind you no one knows what tomorrow holds and anything can happen in a split second or minute
then some times you quickly remind me you know, and nothing else matters
sometimes you tell me how much you love me
sometimes you say how much you heart me which you know is my weakness
sometimes the sound of your voice makes me cry b/c I know how much I love it, and you
sometimes when I catch a quick glance of your eyes I go back b/c
sometimes I get lost in your eyes when you have that adorable look on your face and in your eyes
sometimes I get nervous b/c I feel I don't love my family
then sometimes you remind me im breaking down and I need to take a deep breath
sometimes when you say that I take a deep breath and the color comes back you my face
sometimes I just want to hold you and never let go
sometimes I feel if im not clingy I'll lose you
sometimes I feel if I am clingy I will lose you
sometimes you remind me by telling me I could never lose you b/c you love me no matter what
sometimes I need you to tell me how beautiful I am
sometimes I need you to hold me till the tears stop b/c I don't cry and when I do it's big
sometimes I need to wear your clothes just to be silly and show you that
sometimes you clothes are to tight
most time I'm funny
all the time you are
sometimes I think were the same
sometimes I think about before me when you were heart broken and sad and depressed , still funny,happy and alive
sometimes I feel no one understands the true me,but you
sometimes I love your hair and gay smile
sometimes I love you little remarks b/c there almost as good as mine
sometimes I think you should be more conceited
sometimes I think you deserve better
sometimes you think I deserve you and you deserve me
sometimes we agree
sometimes you sa sorry my concious called in sick again
sometimes I say mines been out frequently
sometimes you comment on my ocd
sometimes I say thank you for worrying
sometimes I lovingly say fuck off
sometimes I try to control it
sometimes I have you doing it
sometimes Im phsycotic
sometimes you are to
sometimes u pms
sometimes I guess I do to
sometimes I feel I could keep going forever
sometimes I think I should go to bed before I crack
sometims I feel I need you to survive
sometimes you joke and say I do
sometimes we understand what each others been through and the obsticles and what are lives are like and how we feel
sometimes I wish I was as half a good of writer as you
sometimes I wish this was real
sometimes this is how I feel
sometimes I think if this was real i'd be blessed
sometimes I wish you knew this and felt exactly like this
sometimes I wish I could tell you how much I loved you,I think I love you and
sometimes I whish I realy knew you and who you realy are
and sometimes I wish this was you
sometimes I wish this was in my reach
sometimes I wish this was reality
sometimes I wish reality would never set in
sometimes I whish I wasn't just this girl
sometimes I wish I wasn't just this lonley, not always undrestood girl
sometimes I wish I didn't feel reality chasing me
sometimes I feel reality setting in
sometimes lik now I feel it
sometimes reality just set in
sometimes nothing b/c reality just set in
I am writing for no reason
I have no purpose
u dont know me and this is not real
but the pain is
I feel like crying but wont b/c in this story, wait I lied and now am crying
reality sucks
sometimes Im just a girl
and sometimes a girl can dream
sometimes when a girl dreams it hurts to much when she stops
so you say why stop
b/c if you dont stopyou will die
or if you wait to long to stop the pain will be greater
sometimes like now this girl wil stop writing untill another day
wher I will dream again then be crushed again
but for now I will love you and hate reality b/c in reality none of this happened or ever will
sometimes I fall asleep listening to what you wrote
sometimes I wishi could meet someone as smart and who is the greatest bassist and writer on this planet and
sometimes I fall asleep just like this..........
...then sometimes I wake back up b/c I forgot something
sometimes I fall asleep with the light on b/c I guess it makes me feel safe then
sometimes I fall asleep again untill the next day where I could continue this whole feeling put to paper thing which makes me feel better having my thoughts on paper b/c
sometimes I think if u read this you would feel the way I thought you would
and every thing on these pages would be true and the actual reality
then sometimes I actualy do fall asleep and await for what tommarow brings me just like this............
sometimes I need to write to get this all out and
sometimes I feel if I dont write it I know I will forget it and
sometimes I feel this is very addicting
.............................................................................