ever look up at the stars and think of how insignificant we are?

i actually walk up at 4 pm today, usually my friends or family would have had me up at 2pm but today they let me sleep, what they havent done in weeks. i cant help but always wonder how the world wouldstill be the same if i died tomarrow, you wouldnt know nor are, my friends would care for a short amount of time, and even more less now since there has been a little more of a distance between us, since i've been sitting here staring at this monitor waiting to see your next move. my familly, well now my familly they would pretend to mourn well, and they would be good at it because most of them love the attention, i doubt they would care to much about what ever it was that happened to me, they would just be glad the bithc was gone. the only thing keeping me sane, that last thread, is this and you. my name may mean heavenly messenger sent from god, but when i looked it up on a quiz it said "Angela --[noun]:A deadly strain of projectiile vomit" and i couldnt help but think it was real. i have no skills, except the ones i am told i "have" like art,writting,baking sometimes, and being good with animals, and athat aint really a skill. i get 90's and up in adv art, but i still think i uck at it. maybe its because there is always room to improve, or just because i think of my self as never being good enough. in writting, people say im good and have potential, i dont show every one how i write because i know it sux, because it is just a bunch of vents, but its not like im angry or depressed, yes, sometimes i feel self loath and self disgust, but simply because im good at it. i am able to feel this because i have reason to, you might not know it and my friends and familly might not, but that is because like i always say, i was raised as crying is for pussies. it was always and still is like showing anything other than anger is wrong. lately when i laugh i mean it, but then when i look back on it later i realize i wanted to laugh but i wasnt really laughing, it was an act. Who do i fucking turn to when my fucking world is crumbling down on me? who the fuck do i turn to? cant fucking turn to you because i dont know you and you dont fucking know me! as much as we would like to think we could know someone threw their writing. so now what the fuck am i supposed to do now?
^5:30



10:23
i would give anything to talk you, and yu fucking know that, but who the fuck am i supposed to turn to? you know you have people to turn to, you might not wanna turn to them but you know u can. i dont have that, i wold kill for that. you know sometimes i think you like the way people critzes you, because it gives you somthing to complain about, and sometimes it seems like you want people to think your unhappy, when you realy are happy. sometimes think your just an act inorder to get an reaction outta people. sometimes i wanna hate you o bad and tell my self i do, but we know that it doesnt last more then a secound becouse you cant hate the person you respect the most.what do i want? i want to show people the other side of me with out them thinking i've changed because i've actually always been like this. i want to cry and have some one hold me, i want to tell every one how i feel at that moment in time, but i cant. as much as i love the fact thaat only i read this, i wish you would, but then again i wish you wouldnt. because this seems so unlike the person i am. the number i have i would like to call and just talk to, but i cant, becuase it is not aloud, it just sits there in my phone book, on its speed dial, with its ringer id, hopeing that it will one day apear on the caller id or one day i will be able to call it and have the person on the other line pick up. the age i was when my world changed, the number of times i got blocked on aim, the age i was when i lost my grandmother, the number of times i cried this mont. the number of fingers on each hand, the number of people i would like to confied in and truly love,the age joe is at this very moment, and the number of times ive listend to your voice and said i loved you in my head this month. if you figure that out and know what it means, then please im me or call me, do something, maybe then i wont feel as in significant in this hell hole. it may be an old or current number, but when you find it, you will know it and you must find me, becuase then maybe i can realy find my self and find you.