I'll fall but if i am caught it will make no differece to if i wasn't

She wakes up in the morning to the light shining ever so brightly through her window, a massive headache as she's unaware to where she is at this very moment.She knows last night was not okay, she was not okay. based on all the other night she knows something as bound to go wrong and she can only wait till monday to hear what he or her friends have done and what secrets she released.she doesn't anticipate this at all, she'd rather not know, because after all what you don't know can't hurt you...right?she goes to her computer goes to one of the most famous pages and sees in big red letters "New Messages!". she sighs and knows this can not be very good and she's about to find out what happened and how she made a dick of herself this time. she reads "i know you were drunk outta your mind.so its okay." but this isn't just a message, its a response, she scrolls down, its a message from her in apology to what had happend last night. she has no recognition of any of this and not only does she find out what happened at the party, but when she got home as well. the message wasn't only an apologybut a accidental confession. she confesses to being drunk during the confession also and the other party is very understanding but she knows it will still be wierd come monday. she goes back to sleep asthe heaache is only worsening. she wakes and makes hot chocolate to calm the feeling in her stomach, she wants to vomit and cry and never party like that ever again.her whole entire body feels bruiesd, every inch. she remembers a tussle between her and this guy she has known since grade school and falling of the pole she was dancing on with a friend, now she know why the bruises are there. last thing she remembered was getting into her friends car and leaving the party for a bit then him dropping her back off and her drinking some more.she turns on the television and it matches the theme as her phone rings and she laughs, it matches the theme of him too. someone brings her down as the walk throught the door. she goes upstairs to polish off another bottle then sees more meseges.she reads them, one makes her feel better b/c he is understanding and the other b/c she chose to share great news with her which counter-acts the news that about a boy earlier. the bottle is no longer needed but moltrin is a necessity.

"untill you give me something to believe in, untill you give me something to sink my teeth into! now when the winds cry angela, Angela i'll be there for ya and whenthe storms scream Angela, angela i'll be there for ya!oh Angela!Oh Angela!"

asecretgirllookingforthearmsofasecretgirl

sweetie, just follow the road you were given and placed on... but whats the point of that?

i dont know what im feeling. i dont know what i want. i know exactly what i want. i dont know why i want it, yet i do, i think i know who i want and why i might want him. my emotions are flying around, its like being drunk constantly. i love spinning around in circles then suddenly stoping or laying down on the ground and feeling the room spin with you in the center, but this, this isn't like that, it's not as great of a feeling. i feel the need to explain everytime i say how i feel for a person, maybe it's because i always mock the situation even though im in it. but i know what ever may come doesnt matter, i dont have to have what i want. just hearing a voice, seeing a smile, knowing my feelings are not shared, knowing not one person cares, knowing when i go to sleep at night im thinking about him and at that moment everyone in the world is being thought of but me. knowing that i just have to fake it through the day just so i don't wash those pills down and empty that bottle. can a friendship be mistaken for a relationship when you're trying to decide what you want? i don't know at all i'll be honest. i can't even write. i'm a sincere girl, im honest, if you let me and want me to then i won't hold back. i'm not a bitch to the people i really love, i am very loving and can make you feel like you've never felt.that feeling you long for, "fuzzy" or what ever you might consider it, it's love and thats al i consider it, i can make that feeling happen. i don't know... i'm tiered of it all, ipush away and wont let in because i've been hurt so many times before. but im willing to try again if you just trust me because then i wil trust you. it's not worth it, keep my feelings to myself, let no one else know and just sleep it off...

and this is what it all comes down to, as u hop to the door putting ur pants back on

i don't know who's a bigger coward, you or me? being dick is the only way to go huh, well your wrong. i am the biggest hypacrite, i guess this time i'm contradicting myself. go ahead, call me on it because i know you will love this. i really fucking hate you more than any one in this world. but h my fucking god i dont know how you fucking do it but i love you more than anyone in this universe.i hate the way your the only person who can say my name and make me feel that way, even when you send a text with it i hear it again, i fucking love it. i hate everything about you because i love everything so much. i heard that you did the phone call thing with her too, i guess you only called me because she was busy or asleep. just like you only hung out with me because she couldn't. yea, a fill in, isnt that fun,no, they never are, be it a cavity, nail or replacement for a time being when someone decides they are bored. i dont know what im saying right now. i dont know why i cared about some one who never cared about me, but thats my downfall, i always do. whatever. shark week made me think of a call ever so great. who doesnt love talking till u dont know what ur saying and passing out but being completely sober. i dont sleep with the phone anymore... you know why i used to then 3 months ago it turned to you but now i know its just a hopless waste of time. idk or my favorite line to say to you "I DON'T CARE!"



wtfwhyamityping?

And this is where the universal language comes in...

the one person you love is busy being enfatuated with some one who could never love them half as much as you. you take a break from them, maybe it will help. nope, not at all, because seeing that they cared for you and stil do in that same was justmakes everything a whole hell of a lot harder. then you think maybe you should move on... doesnt really work at all. but you know what, finding a "crush" like in elementary school doesnt work,u end up picking out every flaw they have, evenif they're the greatest person foyou, but not like it would matter anyway, because their in love with someone else too. you think with al the people you love not loving you that there would be someone who loves you like you love the others but youdont love them in that way, but its not like you dont know they're there, they just really arent there. the day it came back to gether i smiled at everything "the pittbull in the chiled bite incodent has been put to sleep." i love pittbulls, i was rooting for him to be saved some how, but i couldnt even frown at that. i cant spend one more day with you, i think im rubbed off on you because now you say all the things i used to say and now you use the same phrases multiple times. eachday itgets closer to how it use to be... but i cant... its like a day out of rehab and u get home and they have a party for you with the liquir flowing, u fight urself not to take any, but next week theres another, u have one sip, next week 2 sips, before you know ityou have alcohol poisoning and are back in rehab. im done, were not at the best friend stage yet, so its not to late to pull away. its like slamming the door behinde you and screaming after counting ur steps away, butnow im counting your steps toward me.........

neverloveabitchholdingawhipbutloveabitchwithaknifeidobecauseiwontbeplayed

If you wont talk about your feelings that doesnt mean they arent there, it means your gonna blow up in someones face one day

Why'd ypu let me go? i was willing to talk things over with you, not her. i only told you what i did and put you in that position because i knew that was the only way too get you never to speak to e again. 75% because you needed it 25% because i wanted it. Who wants to be friends with someone they always think is mad at them? answer: no one. you said you couldnt naot talk to me, but i found the way. you said you were blowing me off because it always seemed like i was mad at you and you thought i'd be mad at you les if we hung out less, why couldnt you see that that was why i tried to get you not to talk to me two months ago. but that didnt work for me, i told you i could never be mad at you, that stillstands till this day and will for as long as this road goes. i ended the greatest friendship i've had in a long time with a person i loved more thatn anypne in a long time. i did this because i knew you couldnt, you were trying to be more distint but it wasnt working, and i did this since i wasnt going to be friends with her i knew she wouldnt let you hang out with me, and that 25% was that i'd rather you not hang out with me b/c i said it, than because she said it. dont say i didnt care, because i still do. if you walked by me on the street and didnt even look my way and a man pulled out a gun to shoot you, i'd still jump infront of a bullet for you. friends like that never die in my heart, hencse the crying last night because it seemed like you were mad. if you dont want to talk about your feelings you cant expect people to act like they're there, its not cool or tough, its cowardly and disgusting. i want... no i need you to know this, maybe this way you wont be mad.

for her: i did it b/c i coulndt take hearing you dis people and be hugging them the next. the worse is when people ask if u said anything, i didnt want to betray you, but i feel obligated to tell since i love them too and i hate trash talking about my friends behinde there back and not to mention how you make people feel. and i was tired or being used. only inviting me places when u didnt have a ride, only sleeping over so you can drink and sleep in the same room as your boyfriend with out getting introuble. and you always gossiped and instigeted everything, your true colors shown when u blabed to brittnay and blamed it on jess, made up a story bout me yelling at tony, talked abut me in the next rom when i was having a bad day, involved yourself in every deilemma that had nothing to do with you. Fake, your as real as the color of my hair. and your constant need to control who we called to hang outwith and who we talked to aroun you

the boulder on my shoulder got lifted, but the burden on my heart got heavier and opende the hole more than the first one left by a child of the same name.
xxoo and never anything more

baby, its times like this when we know who really loves us, just wait to see whos stl standing when the smoke clears

snce december i knew, but i was able to denie it untill last a week or two ago. its escalated over time, thats why i cant even be in the same room as him, because i told him tonight. i couldnt take it nomore, it was about to erupt, so i told someone i hate, and i knew she would probualy tell him so i had to tell him first. i knew he probably knew, he knows me way to well, i coalled him one night and he was able to tell be my state of mind, where i was sitting, why i was sitting, and the position of the bottle. not even god is that good. he knows how i feel about people even before i know, or will admitt it. i told him he knew what iwas gonna say, he asured me he didnt, then he said it was about who i liked and whe i asked who he thought it was he said "well III am pretty shure i know who it is." i couldnt help but laugh, maybe from amazment, embaresment, or maybe just because he awoke me from the deepest of sleep. i said i wont be seeing you for a while then and he said why, it doesnt bother him, i told himhe didnt understand. i wanted to tell him its because its hard when you not "like", but actually fall for your best friend, who is oneof your friends bf. and its hard not to keep falling when he doesnt exactly help. you dont let me rest my head on your lap and you certainly donot play around with me, if you cant see the rabbit holes in my eyes u just want me to add tto your collection of silly girls.im so glad this wont mean a thing come tomarrow b/c im not gonna remember a thing, so i know if he calls me im gonna hangout with him, not knowing that i told hm and not knowing that he'd have a idea why i'd tell him no. only god could fix me, but liquor is quicker, except on the acasion that it depresses me, makes me tiered and makes me yell at him of call him 74 times at 3 am till he picks up his cell. now i know why getting blown off ment so much. i miss you man, i'd rather be talking to you, worried about howthat days impression on you was going, than wondering if i was gonna losse a friend, of maybe two. cant spell friend without the "end", best friends till the end, or best friends always end, this year it seems like they allways end. come back and give me meaning once again, tangable boys are just creating trouble since i cant have them either. 50,000 mile service light keeps flashing, i want to go in s badly, but they wont let me, i think its time for e trade in, this path has been hell on this old engine, and god knows one week till the warenty is up. save me like you did before. ehy'd u get rid of the name. its not eorth trying to save ssou;s that dont need saving, but this one needs it most. till the day you answer my prayers once more, i'll be trying to solve my hearts deilemas. its rarley like with me, i ussually fall, and falll hard when the pull the balnket out from/off of me.

summernightsarecomingsoonhowboutareunionofftheinsomiacs

hugs,kisses,andmore deep felt huggs
love you, dount know what to say bout him, this was just the confessions of a teenage dramma queen at heart

i am karma in the worst form

i want him to hate me not because i ahte him, but becaus ei love him so much. im afraid maybe to much. he is my bestfriend and the nicest person to me. i treat him bady to distance myself from him. but he getshurt in the process, which upsets me deeply. id rather him be mad at me for somthimg i did o purpose then a simple accident/mistake. i hate whe things are out of my hands. i just found out thought that he can never hate a erson, only dislike them and that would only happen ifthey like killed someone probaly. i have big birthday plans for you sunshine, just wait and see, no its not crazy or drastic, just fun. i you "jason"morethan you can know




myheadrestonhislapasifallasleepthinkingofyouprayingnottofeelforhim
xxoo
^ remember

10 reasons why he should understand me, and 10 why u should love me

1. i backed out of kissing you that night because it was the the right situation or how i wanted it to be
2. the secret bond you can only denie for so long
3.how everything you love in other girls is righther in me
4.. we are alike yet completly opposite
5. i try to hate you but cant
6. i rember everything you ever say
7. i love your dad
8. you DO have a cat, im not crazy
9. your eyes match mineand i love you
10. your the only person i know who knew what i ment when i said yezzer, and i really love you



1. i know you better than u know yoursellf
2. i tually do understand almost everything you say/feel, but not everything b/c im not aliar and wont lie to you, only u know 100%
3. we are so alike
4. i dont care if u wear my clothes
5. your eyes are the greatest thing god or whoever created
6.we think exact lines at the same time
7. there is no need to dress up on a rainy afternoon when u watch reruns or lifetime
8. friends never change, yet they are never the same
9. i love you more than u can ever know
10.the thought of you an reduce me to tears, i miss you, comeback to me

slitmythroatpullthetriggercauseicantlivewithoutyoucomebacktome

watch out for the drift currents honey, you wont know they're there un til you end up in the middle of the ocean and cant get back. and dont try to

fight them, you'll just tire out.


i try to forget you, then a gentle breeze makes me think of you, and the way the windows in my car fogg up as i sit in front or my house, not wanting to go in just yet. my 5 year warrenty is almost up, ready to trade in or up grade? you must be laced with crack b/c your so addictive. i dont have asthma, but i really do, i guess i should listen to my doctors for once, before i dye. he says hes gonna die young but i dont want him to, ill die if he does.17 days. waiting for you to call me add this equation to your parents number -2,-1,-6,+6,-2,+8,+7,-1,+0,+6, call it you wont be sorry.
the twinkle in the sky is just an angels cry
get me off this river boat
toss the lambo keys away
down the hudson river
why cant we fly away
nebraska is overated
my backyard is hell
but isnt everyones

imissyouandimsuregonnamisshimtoo

this isfrom the girl who thinks you knew OF her back in the day

no clever lines no witty titles i just wanna scream your name louder then you can imagine.a sirens song could never be a clever as your words. 16 days till before my aniversery on this earth. 27 daysbefore i get to hear you speek . a crowded room means nothing to me. 27 days before i could only hope to stand before you. 27 days before what i know you will make into a judgement day. 27 days before i loose my mind. 27 days before i know if i should say "hey, it's angela" or "hey its sincereluv". 27 days before i know if you remeber the name, if you remeber the game, if you remeber our aim conversations. 27 days, till i know the truth. 27 days till we see if its a facuad or real. 27 days before we see if the shallowness is real. i might have to dive in, but if i break my neck, well then i wont have to deal. 27 days before i love you more, or stick to my job. 27 days before i die in your arms.i know im reaching for extrodinary, but if we never did, then we would all be friendless,loveless, and worthless. 2/3 aint so bad , is it? i wish i could ask you what you wanted me to say, talking with you before the face to face lips to ears day in 656 hours and 30 minutes. please god, i maynot always believe in you, but its hard to trust what you cant see, i know im pessimistic and skeptic, but its only human nature, as socrotes said, the un questioned or examened (one or the other) is unworth living.


bringmebehinedthetableandtakemeinyourquartersyouwontregretitipromiseitsmorethatuthink

To The Editor (of my life)

Having fun? I'm god's pawn and im waiting to be struck by the queen in this horrid game of wizards chest, because I know my chapped salted lips will never utter the words check mate as the tears fall down them. I miss him. Why did you take him away, I was fine with the four states between us, now you decide to throw in the 10 every now and again (but it still stays mostly 10) cross country trips at mid night never feel good. I miss the way his name rolled off the tip of my tongue, he was my involuntary reflex, my bad habit, my guilty pleasure, my dark secret that was world spread. Now you have me falling for bestfriends between sips of mikes hard berry and vodka mixed with energy drinks. They say you can die from mixing the two, but im still here, wishful thinking on their parts, or maybe mine. "he has a girlfriend" if I was a center metter closer to you everytime i heard that about a guy i fell for, we would be face to face. "oh my god, that piece of shit Pete wentz is on the cover of every teen magazine down this isle, and he is'nt even that hot, and what about the rest of the band?" pause, shake your head, motion to blow your head off, take a deep breath and say " do you even know their names?" clear your throat as they say "well... uhm, no but.." go to scream " but what, you dont. (age order) Andy,Patrick, and Joe. its their band let them worry, just enjoy the music, thats all that counts, now can we gat the smirnoff and please leave!". i hate these cobversations, especially when we were talking about something serious.why do you do this. i know your a male because you make me cry. you make them say " you piece of shit you spent over two thousand dollars in under a month on shit! no more money till janurary!" and you make them say " your a bitch!" and " you just want to drink, you dont need to to have a good time!" and "i got to go, ill call you back" and my favorite " bitch, go fuck yoursefl you slut". spend 3 hours crying on the floor of my room, which i havent done in a long time. its funny how the only voice that made me feel better was my friends, a guy, someone i only met a few months ago, not even childhood friends, of friends i had for a few years. you have a weird way of working, you really do. go to google search "sincereluv6579" nothing much will come up. go to the search engine here and type in the search blogs bar above and type the same, a deleted post with two familliar names may come up. your cruel joke to me, i will never forget it.

he looks up from his papper "hey"
she looks in to his eyes then quickly to here own shoes"hey"
he notes that very quickly " you have pretty sexy eyes" he jokes
she feels tingles up here spine " so you know who i am then, which means theres no blank sheet for me" she goes to turn away
im amazement from being so confused heturns to look at his friend then quickly back to her "wait, what? what are you talking a... oh, no, you cant be, wait, are you?"
in realizing he knew nothing and she gave uop her chance she says "yea, sorry, i just blew it, but yea im here, sorry for every thing that may have pissed you off, and sorry for say who i am"
bamboozled he goes and says "what, no im glad, nothing is how it seems i know that, i just wanted to find the real girl, and i did"
he man in black says to him "lets go, were runniong low on time hurry this up"
she looks back down and starts "sorry, my bad, bye guys, im going now, once again sorry"
he quickly says" no, wait, comeback here and just wait till we're finished, then well talk untill you have to leave"
she says " i never have to leave, ill leave when you say its time to" in shock and amazement
in between gigles he says " ok, fine, togheter forever aka, till 6 am when we leave, haha"
mumbling to herself "when the dream ends"
shoked at her words "i heard that"
embaressed " im sorry"
embaressed for making her feel that "no, its ok, but did you really think this would be it, come on, what type of guy do you think i am? my email, screen name, phone number, cell, and even address, well atleast all the new ones that you dont have, so we can always stay in touch, because i know you wont use all the info in a bad way. simply because i trust no one, not even myself, but there's something about you that says i can."
slightly fatigued " of course"
you finish it
does it continue? does the alarm clock ring? does she sit next to him? is this real, did it happen? or is this a repetetive dream? you have the power, no please make it how i want.



as i wait for him, your making me fall for a "in the meanwhile" guy, who i really do love, but hes a friend, and has a girlfriend, who im friends with. please end the nightmare and start the dream, i cant hang up another dream catcher, there is just simply no more room.
Thank you mr. eitor, thank you for your time
sincerely,
a simple life at stake

another corpes to add to the pile

secrets dead, jokes gone. jars empty, lights no longer on. umbrellas lot, pots broken. trees not sat in doors not locked. songs forgoten, faces no longer loved. names turn to taboo, friends turn to dust. ur a new one to my pile for a good reason. im just in yours b/c time is up, like the rest of your friends. dive off the tower and theres no one left to catch you. go ahead, be nothing

the grudge 2 is so stupid!the best part was the cherry voldka!

there hugs can only try to replace yours. i only want him because your not here. if you ever come to this forsaken island, look me up, im fun to chill with. cherry voldka in pepsi taste good even though it makes my throat burn. if you hung out with me you would love me. with out saying anything about sincere, or love, you would fall harder than ever before.you have been here and seen it man times, but this time i will make it different and it will last forever. he just thinks i have ocd, but he dont know why, but i know you do.


holdmetighter

if i killed her would i get in trouble? im just trying to save the sanity of the human race!

see how she trys to put barriers between us, to bad it wont work. i was here longer and before it all, and i will always stay. she cant break me. no matter what she says to me or calls me. fuck her. hope you open your eyes and see this soon. dont keep "secrets" they destruy everyone in and surrounding them. i should know, you wont tell me but thats ok since i already know. night sweetie! die bitch!



pete(andmaybetony)cometosavemeplease

pshaw,...no...just no..,hell yea!,duude

cotton candy

pixi stix

bassist

eyes

warter parks

"what a fag"

green day

pete

vacine

circus peanuts

peanutbutter

plastic spoons

strawberry daquiris

the "bong"

being a ditz

hour long phone calls

staying up all night

prank calls

ellen

mike

barney

"the last peice of gum"

purple spotted...

papoo woo

rtb

roof jump

tennis balls

fireworks

mini bikes

jantzon

the scarf

ong

jermey

they belonged to us, we owned it

I cant believe how someone could change a person within weeks. my friend who i loved gone. when we are alone we can laugh and joke. when she comes around suddenly things are stupid and not funny, the same things that brought you joy and a smile to your face. you blow me off to rather be with her, and she enjoys it. she trys to act like a bitch to me but hide it aat the same time, like you love her more and im just a total ass who shouldnt even bother. well soon enough i wont. and yea, aparently you do love her more now. guess years mean nothing. keeping secrets from me, not telling me everything. i was once able to finish your sentences, and answer the questions peopl asked you before you got to say it. now i just sit back with a smile because i dont want to be a bitch like her and say shit to start shit. dont worry, its not to long before im out. "now i'll teach you a lesson for keeping secrets from me, take your taste back, peel back your skin, try to forget how it feels inside you should try saying no once in a while". my mouth is now filling with blood once again, but this time for you, once i open you better belive the red sea will flow out.

bye soon enough

imthrowingawayyournotes

we're just a jigsaw puzzle, i need you here

i hate the empty bed but its independence. the boy i want to fill it doesnt even know. he probably thinks i get loud and say stupid shit b/c im stupid, retarted, and a attention whore. but i just want him tolet me know he knows im here. the small talk and jokes and pet peaves dont cut it.

the storm remindes me of you
when i need to think of him
you will never fade
ur permenate, stain
he is temper,water color

just let him glaze over you for my sanity
night storm

kelis?rly?

when the well runs dry and your in the desert... who will know you're there?

bite down hard to keep it from coming out
my mouth is filling as it gets harder to breathe
i dont want to die choking on my own blood
i open my mouth and a river of violet red flows out
growing into a see but atleast i can now breathe
im letting it out
no more holding it in
i love you with all my heart
i always will

for ever and always

till death and after

my heart is yours

my soul is yours

my mind is yours

you will always be a part of me

worse then the tatoo i'd regret most

but i cant regret what i love

which is you and only you

for you i'll jump off the end of this plank and swim ashore

i will walk through the town and try not to scrutinize it all

but that sense of nostalgia will always stay

i will find a boy to show me aroud and keep me safe forever

i will love him to the fullest, as much as possible

but i will always wait for that ship to come a shore and take me back

leaveing him would never be as hard as leaving you

maybe i should stop looking out to sea

i doubt your coming back

even when we die

you will brush me off

and make me walk the plank

once more, again

dontdoitforme

when your down and out i'll be your crying shoulder

i knew they could do it. i forgot about you. and im still not good, but atleast im not addicted. as long as i can keep busy, i wont get addicted again. jst looking at his beautifaul eyes and listening to his words and laugh, it took my mind off yours. sorry babe, its just not your time, just turn out the door while you still have your dignity. im turning, but my dignity is already gone. kiss kiss, mwha mwha. fashonista on the rise jumping of the towers.



thecarnivalstolemysouldonttrytogetitback

wishes never seemed so cliche as when your holding your pillow tight under different night skies

the only person on want on the couch next to me it the boy that will never speak of my name. it is so hard to see others when i can only see you. everything surounding me remindes me of you. love? no she's just slipping into a comatoazed state. im physically echausted from not listening to the doctor. going from european time to east coast time so quickly never works. its been three weeks and im still not used to it. all i do, i do it for you. being nocturnal is the best thing a girl could hope for. to bad we have to have an agenda to get somewhere in life. if i bail out now will you promise to back me? this ship keeps sinking faster and faster, grab a bucket and start bailing.
you only kiss me because you lovee my chapstick. well here's your own, will you still stick around?

totieredtothinktodrainednotto

mi amour

take me away please.
or i will do it myself.
befreeandliveheavyheart

when i die who's going to remember me?not you.

your the only thing that makes me happy. nice to have you back. im not as happy as i might have expected to be, but then again i discoverd this weird thing called "space" its not fun, so now i get so bored, but its a part of love and respect, so take it and run with it. be fucking happy. i love you.
theonlythingkeepingmefromhittingsendistheuniverse

This is me standing in the shadow of the door saying I give up, as you stand inside wondering what is going on

I cant do this. I must do this. I try to give up, but I cant. At times I say "this is it, im done, I give up, im not gonna waste another day and do this to myself, its not healthy at all." and others I say " I cant give up, its abandonment, i've done so much to get hear, I will loose it all if I walk away. to much love and enjoyment, to much freedom." im an addict. im addicted. im a junkie. not addicted to drugs, but something far more worse. no, not love, even worse. no, not the thought of love, worse. you. no meetings or clinics have solutions for this. no one can undo the past. im stuck here. like a fly to the paper. like a rat on a trap. helplesslytrying to wiggle free but just getting more stuck, and slowly dying. just as I think im almost free, I get stuck even more. its hopeless. im hopeless. I don't want to give up, but I know I should. im pretty good at hiding it, people don't know the depth to this, they think its based on shallow thoughts. I'm not shallow, nor does it influence me. Shallow was the past. now they think its from shallow remorse.no. I'm more sincere then humanly possible. maybe I'm not human? Doubt that. Just know as much as I want to give up I cant, your to addicting. Crack has nothing on you.
lYlOlUl
my anti- drug
(that's a drug itself)

whadufx up with jogging?

ever go outside and stand in the rain when you where away from home? Like, on vacation, or just in another state, or the other end of the state. Not because it was raining, but b/c for some reason it feels so free, especially when your away from home, its a level of enlightenment. Really? fo' sure
kissmegoodnighti'llkissyougoodmornig

kill me, god plz just kill me now! i cant take this!.. every thing, the world, the unnecessary heart ache

I'm sick.
takethathowyouwant

night morning bird

i misss wakeing up at 6 pm and going to bed at 7 am. i miss seeing your name with a message. i realize i wont ever be able to see it ever again. last year it worked because it was only an hour off, now its 4 hours, i dont think i can do that. maybe once i get in to the swing of things i can train my body to adjust to being awak rom 6 am-3pm, then make it 4 am -3pm. summer was a fantasy, i miss it so much, this is killing me so bad you have no idea. time to get back to real life. i envy you, your real life can be a dream and slightly is. only a few years left till complete freedom. scary? never. maybe a little, but only b/c if im set free on the world, all hell, will break loose. live for me will you? since i cant. go with her, i can careless, just dont come running and crying and whinnig for a year, now one cares, you've been forwarned somany times.one thing about her on this and i will barf, i dont hate her for the reasons mostt do, i just always did since ay one dispite my dad loving her, atleast my mother always hated her too. wtf am i talking about? i dont know, i got off subject and am so lost.
curently wearing : brown "silly blondes brains are for brunettes" shirt, and gray short shorts,lol, just the way you like me. wife beater and boxers.
currently wishing: him, he was hear right now, this room is so cold, as is the world, some one needs to keep me warm as is sane.
currently singing:sexy back, your so last summer
curently thinking: why is this so unfair, i know if the world ws perfect it be a bore, but can i get one wish?

boys like you are a dime a dozen boys like you are a dime a dozen

to bad its a lie
gowithherandgetitoverwithandouttayoursystem
hugsandkissesforbestfriends
kissesandhugsforus
xxoo love you always

(where only best friends when your on your knees never well...... for you.... claro que si! yo le amo y haría algo para hacerle feliz. ámeme, thats todo que pregunto. rompa mi corazón, pero usted sabe que lo fijaré. usted me hace hablar im tounges)

Q&a

ok, this isnt ment to be rude or mean, because im not that type of person. this is just my opinion and advice, only a inference based on observations.so now you say your trying to keep your private life actually private, but you must know it will never work. people will find everything out and spread it faster then a forest fire. so it will nevr be private. if you havent realized it yet, some people consider you a quote, celebrity, which means privacy is over. and if they cant find every little detail out they will make it up, and thats not wat you want, not rumours but lies. yea, you dont have to address anything you dont want. but wouldnt it be better to clear the air, and just say it so that people know the truth and not lies. yea, its there choice to believe, but its hard for a person to just linger without anything to believe, human nature tells us that we need something to believe in, like faith. its like how people believe in whatever god it might be, just so they have something they believe in and think they know the truth about, so they can live their lives without constant worry, that may be more dramatic, but you get the point. plus the rumours that might get spread by tabliods also might make u look bad or sleezy, so i wouldnt recomend leavin the issue up to them.especialy after the article that practicly said you were just a boy toy until she was ready for a serious relation ship and made it seem like you didnt mind geting used, i think that was the best, it brought tears to my eyes, not from sadness, but laughter.so anyway, if you just adress the fucking rumours and dont go around them, there will be less questions, whispers, and rumours. and im sure if you have the respect to adress it, people will have the respect to leave it be, since they already know the deal and wont be budding in. your probably thinking that you been threw this before and know what your doing, ok, fine, you might think im a jackass, ok, fine, i might just be, but im sure people wont do something they seen had a bad effect. but, this is just how i see it, not because i want to know, because honestly i could careless, i know its your life and whatever you do you do, and i know youll hopefully make all the right decissions and thats all that matters to me. but yea, somepeople are just gonna keep going after you and trying to find it all out, and make up what they cant get, so like i said its better for the truth to come from you then lies from the internet and tabliods. and ofcourse this doesnt effect the music, because that will always be there, but you have to realize this is the effect of being close and communicating to the fans, yes, your the greatest dudes for doing so and thats why people love you more, but every action bares a consequence, whether the action be good or bad.there is always a price to pay, yea it sux, but thats life, no one ever said it was fair. it shouldnt be that way, but it is, reality check dude, nthings normal anymore, everything has changed around you, even if you didnt. oh,once you told me not to believe anything i read, i asked you then what should i believe since you sometimes say not to believe you, you said you werent sure. then said what does my heart and head say, i said i wasnt sure any more, then the topic changed. i know you dont remeber that, but you said it. my head could tell me that im 6 feet all, but that doesnt mean its true, and hearts only work for that four letter word, if even that, but anyway, yea, seems like your big on people believeing what they want, which is never a good thing, b/c people are not always good with decideing fact from fiction and leaving boundaries.k, im done, you can call me a ass, or hate me, whatever, atleast i got this off my mind, b/c i couldnt think about philosophy when the screen infront of me was so screwed up. oh, one last thing you said:believe whatever you want about anything you read. that sounded a little rude, as if you were saying believe what ever you want b/c your going to anyway because your all fucked up and stupid and ignorant like that. kinda pissed me off a little eve if you didnt mean it like that. respond to this or dont, it doesnt really matter, as long as you see this and understand where im coming from and trying to tell you, then all is cool. sincerly,A.D.

A LATE NIGHT SNACK "PUT THE COOKIE DOWN JASON!"

I CRIED FOR YOU. AGAIN, BUT THIS TIME WAS DIFFERENT. I REMEBERED WHAT YOU SAID TO ME. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW YOU DONT. I THINK YOU LIED SO I WOULDNT FEEL BAD, OR MAYBE JUST BECAUSE YOU A GOOD HEARTED KID AND A GENUINE SWEETHEART. I DONT KNOW. IT WASNT MY BUISSNES, BUT YOU HANDLED IT WELL, EVEN THOUGH YOU ANSWERED THINGS I DIDNT ASK AND NEGLECTED WHAT I DID ASK. BUT I GOT THE POINT. YOU ONLY ANSWERED BECAUSE I THINK YOU COULD TELL I WAS HAVING A SPAZ MOMENT,LOL. ACTUALLY IT WAS A MONTH. NOT A PERSON IN THISWORLD CAN SAVE ME NOW, I SWAM OUT TO DEEP AND GOT STUCK. THE WATERS SO COLD IM DOING THE JELLY FISH FLOAT FOR SURVIVAL. ITS NOT WORKING AND IM RUNNIG OUT OF TIME. RUNNIG OUT OF TEARS. RUNNIG OUT OF TISSUES. RUNNIG OUT OF WISHES,HOPES AND DREAMS. RUNNING OUT OF IM SORRIES AND PLEASE FORGIVE ME'S. RUNNIG OUT OF TIME TO WASTE ON A IMPOSSIBLE DREAM. GIVING UP IS EASY, ITS STAYING THATS THE HARDEST. YOU GIVE ME CRWS FEET ANS LAUGH LINES. THERES A PERMINANT LINE RUNNING UNDER EACH EYE, THE TEARS HAVE MADE THIER LASTING MARK, ALL CAN SEE. JUST ONE DAY ON EARTH WITH YOU COULD END THIS OR START IT UP. WE'LL NEVER KNOW BECAUSE IT WONT EVER HAPPEN. I NEED A KISS, I NEED A HUG, BUT NOT FROM YOU, YOUD MAKE I WORSE. OR MAYBE I DO NEED IT FROM YOU? "THE ONLY PERSON WHO KNOWS WHATS BEST FOR YOU, IS YOU!", I DONT KNOW WHATS BEST FOR ME ANYMORE.
BE MY FLASH LIGHT? BE MY GUIDE? ME MY MARSHALL? I'LL BE YOUR KIM?
NIGHT LUV, NEVER CHANGE
TO LATE

im falling down the bunny hole it seems like theres no end. this is a optical illusion my heart has on my head.

if i ever fell so hard in my life, like i plunged to the end of the earth, i'd want you to be the one to catch me.

i had this dream a couple nights ago. i was falling at an alarming pace, then i was finalely caught by two people. i didnt see their faces, but i noticed their shoes. the one person i knew would always catch me no matter what, and the person i only dreamed would. it felt unreal, but then again it was a dream. love me for me? never. i know what i need to do i know who i am. i know who i want to be. i know who i need to be. i know who im going to be. i know how im getting there. be a stepping stone? never. the only thing in life we are promissed is death, and thats what we work our way up to. we try to accomplish so much, so that we can die when were done. life is a race against time, to be the best person you can be. and try to never be forgotten. my dad told me he honks his horn at random times and screams at kids when he passes over a bridge. just sso they will say "hey, remeber that time the dude yelled something at us?", that way he will never be forgotten. i thought that was awesome, untill i realized, once they go, he will be. but i would never tell him that. no raining on parades, or killing peoples hopes. it takes a real person to be a pessimist and a smart person to be a optimist. but it takes a strong sincere person to be able to be both, and know when is the right time to be. not a cliche or a hypocrite, just strong and intelecual. new lease on life, hope the ofer dont expire.

kissmecauseyouknowithurts

a story from the depth of our secret lives as cross dressers

everytime i stare at this blank page my mind goes blank. unless there is just too much going threw it that i cant cath a sentence. i love it when i can think of what i want to say, but thats only when im laying in bed or stretched out on the couch. "Come here girl, go ahead be gone with it,COme to the back, go ahead be gone with it," your cell phone rings, the millionth and one call this hour. you would think you were famous by the amount of people trying to reach you. always unfamiliar numbers always new voices. except there the same people who are always calling, its just theirs way to many to remeber. the ones that called you a year ago, just to say hi and how your day was going. those were the ones you remebered, now there just another file lost in that messy little head of yours. names never go good with faces. smiles always go good with eyes. i called your cell expecting you to answer, but for the first time in years, you didnt. i was shocked, i thought you were hurt and rusheed over to see you. i opened the door to see you with her. watching our movie, siiting in my spot on the couch that i nicely covered. drinking from the cups we bought on our last vacation, now it seems so long ago. the best part, her wearing my shorts, the ones you bought me the night i wanted to fly to miami. they were so cute and funny that i couldnt leave you, plus the smile wasnt easy to get over. you didnt even realize i was there and you leaned over and kissed her. i was going to break everything and that house and beat you senseless. but, i didnt, i couldnt. it would be easy to say i wasnt expecting it, but i was. i was waiting for that day to come. any other guy would have felt my wrath, but it was you. the kid that stole my heart, the one who watched the stars and sunrise with me on the beach. the one who never missed my call, the one who talked to me for hours, sometimes from 12 pm- 8 am. in the middle of your kiss she pulled away, not because she didnt want to kiss you but because she seen me in the door way. you turned around and had that look in your eye, i had only seen it one other time, the time the whole world crshed with us in the middle. the reason for the new furniture and spackle. i didnt even slap the door and run off, because people only do that when they want to be chased after, but i didnt. i nicley shut the door and relocked it. i walked down the steps and bacl to the car, the longest walk in my life. "so did he come out and get you?" "did he call you later?". no, and no. i knew he wouldnt and i didnt want him to. being cold hearted is the new black, and guess whos all trendy. foe someone whos not in to the latest movements, you sure act like you are. i was gonna sit in the car and just cry for a few hours, but it wasnt like that, had no reason to. i drove away and blasted the stereo, not realizing what cd i had in. i was gonna trow it in the back seat but didnt,i put it back on the visor and put the new cd in, the one you bought me. its funny how the one i bough ened up being "our" cd, and the one you bought ened up being "my" cd, shouldnt that have been reversed. our songs on your cd, my songs on mine.drove for hours untill i got lost in a unfamilliar town, but then again any town without you next to me in it is unfamilliar. i wond up on the beach, like most times. the sun was about to rise, i coundt be ther when it rose. held my cell in one hand as to throw it out to see, but i just droped it into my bag. i went to the car, it was so cold out. i reached for my big cummfy sweater that i always have in the back seat. i put the sweater on, turns out it wassnt mine, it was yours. i went to throw it out the window, but decide to leave it on, i was to cold to take it off. finaly found my way out of that god forsaken town. back to my room. layed in bed, too many pictures of you in that room. wanted to rip them all and burn them and brake every last frame. but i went to sleep, i didnt deserve to see the sunrise. woke up and packed everything i had that was not related to you. i put your sweater on the couch, in the exact position it would be if you were sitting there. i loked the door and left."Miami, Miami, Miami Well every hour on the hourYou have to, you just have to trust me Whoever I was then,I can't ever be again". i coulndt be that same girl any more, and this time you werent able to stop me from leaving, not like you wanted to any way.who ccares that we were friends, we were more, just the friends title is easier. sit on the couch and watch movies, vaccation together, sleep in the same bed. not to mention the occasional benifits, but close friends can apparently do that, or so we liked to say. the fun part was being there for eachother when we needed it and having no commitments except the ones we all had with our close friends. but non as close as us. but just the fact of her in my pants, with my glass watching my movie, that just got to me. a week later, the day that we had planned to paint the little mural in that secret little room, you called me. i guess you went to my place and seen me gone, i guess after a while you picked up that all my things that had nothing to do with you were gone. the first thing that came to mind was that i was actually gone, and not that you would miss me or wanted to find me, but that your mural was not going to get done. " something real, make it timeless.An act of God and nothing less will be accepted" my phone rang, i picked it up, eventhough i didnt want to. "where are you, you were supossed to paint the scene today." " is that what you really care about? figures. i knew you changed. well im finaly where i want to be and im not going back, and im not going to be who i was ever again, i cant stand to be. i traded in hell for heaven, this angel got her wings back and you ain cliping them again, good bye!". i never thought i'd have to say that, but it felt good. i may have found home, i thought home was with you, and no one else. turns out home is with out you and with out everyone else. home is just me on my own, not being held up or hoding anyone up. no more weight on these shoulders, no more discrace on these smiles. two days latter you have the balls enough to show up at my house, i knew i shoulndt have used the card to rent it. i let you in, i only talk to tell you to make your self at home, i am not a rude hostess, i am very polite. but i tell you i have to leav and i walk out on to the beach, everyone always knew i was bound to rent a beach house for the summer one year, to bad summer is dieing,like you.you dont say a word because you realized i was right. just being in the same room can slowy help heal it, i hate you were right. night comes and i wont make you sleep on the couch and you know that, the only reason i didnt kick you out of my bed. morning came, i went out to breakfast, and brought you bakc food, god knows we were never up early, but i changed to keep sane. yo appologized and realized i was right all along, you say it can be back to normal, but its way to soon. i tell you to stay with me for a while and then we can ease back in to life back "home", because here you cant act, there is no fooling miami. miam,miam, my heart beats miami. its still to soon to tell, but when we go back, we are just gonna be the way were were the first time we were there, not the people we became.

"..Unhand me, God damn me, Miami"

forsakemethenbrakeme

All i ever wanted..............out of life

alls i ever wanted was to be held, hold you
alls i ever wanted was to be loved,love you
alls i ever wanted was to be free,free you
alls i ever wanted was honesty, be honest to you
alls i ever wanted was some sincerity, be sincere to you
alls i ever wanted was to not blow any good things coming, not blow it with you
alls i ever wanted was to be understood, i understand you
alls i ever wanted was to not have to watch what i say b/c someone might take itint the wrong way, for you to not believe them
alls i ever wanted was to seem like the one sane person left on this godforsaken earth, for you to think ofme like that
alls i ever wanted was to randomly speak my mind and say anything on it, you do the same
alls i ever wanted was to be able to say i love youwith out all the aftermath hitting me, u know
alls i ever wanted was to not be judged by people that dont even know me, u ruined it(?)
alls i ever wanted was to be able to breath,freely, and on my own, to bad you cant
alls i ever wanted was fresh open air to think in, you got that sometimes
alls i ever wanted was to walk the beach on a nice col and collected mornig steping on the wet
sand, with no one around, you couldnt handle that
alls i ever wated was to throw out the body pillows and have my bestfriend lying there talking
with me till sunrise
alls i ever wanted was to see the foriegn number and have the voice counter it, you dont get that do you(?)
alls i ever wanted was t know you, and dream of you knowing me but not have you ever hear
my name, guess that got blown
alls i ever wanted was to be able to say alls without geting critiqued, but i know someone will
alls i ever wanted wasto act crazy, and be silly when ever i want especially at 4 am, guess you
took it wrong
alls i ever wanted was to hear your name or see you picture and smile and laugh, think someone
fucked that up for me
alls i ever wanted was to accomplish my dreams and have no one tell me i couldnt, i would never denie someone like others did me
alls i ever wanteed was to beable to be a bitch and be loved for it, and i am, except by a few, maybe even you
alls i ever wanted was for this blog to be dedicated to you, but that went to hell
alls i ever wanted was to start writting again before i lost it, but thats to late now
alls i ever wanted was to go a year without having something physically (not mentally you
ass) wrong with me, friday blew that
alls i ever wanted was to dream, you crushed that
alls i ever wanted was to believe the lies i told myself, now i cant
i just hope those wer lies and you never said that, i only calmed down after sleeping and realizing how many flaws the story had and how it was probably not true, unless you lie
alls i ever wanted was to not have to worry about you finding out who i actually if we talk, but im a different person in realife, this is a a secret home, im sure you get it
alls i ever wanted was to do good and never get bitch slaped, guess mom is always right
alls i ever wanted was to hold on to a dream with no realitys hanging on, too bad i fell
alls i wanted was for youtoactually know the person before making acusations, that failed
alls i ever wanted was a lot, now its shit
i hope to god its all false because all i ever wanted was for shit never to start and for only good things inlife, i have so much on my mind this makesit worse, sleeping for ever sounds good to me, but breathing in another state seems better. i need a vacation, that wouldnt help me from thinkg this though. being in LA, maybe storming the beaches at 5am, but i can do that here, but being across the country from all the problems seems way better, but trouble follows me like a black cloud, now there is two up ahead, thanks for that, iwont for get it. its been rainig bad for the last couple days, maybe if it starts up again tomarrow i might walk in the rain along the beach untill sunrise, if it rises, it ussaly doesnt when itknows i want it to. my icon was "i love walking in the rain, no one can tell i am crying" i loved it, it made me laugh, and cry. you werent able to read it though,bu tmy bff made me a new icon,as a silly inside joke thing, no one will ever understand, i love her bitchy ass,"lol".to me this name has meaning, its not fake b/c i am not a fruad. it is not a joke b/c when it somes down to sincerity, it means alot to me. i chose thi for a reason, simple, yet complexed. first and a user name, then a screen name, then the name on every site i joined not to far after.no one will understand and they will all always say shit about it, but i dont care when it has meaning to me like the old bed set from the first 101 dalmation cartoon movie, i threw sut the sheets, but the pillow case lies in my linen closet, it will never be thrown out, to sentimental. or the doll my grandmother gave me, i keep in on my shelf, i cant let it go.my cell phone that inever let out of my site, but yet its been easier since like i said, it must signal me givving up, but i dont want to yet, so it is curently cliped on to my eminem shirt since the boxers dont have pockets.im really trying, this ment to much to me to let it go. i knoe i kinda gave up, thats why i said ment, im not sure its meaning to me now, im trying to catch it and pull it back to shore and tie it up till i figure it out. wish me luck
(i bet all this is un nessesary since it was probably all a lie, it makesme laugh a little, even if this makes me hate you, i will always unfortionetly love you)

whatever happened to kissing in the rain? or fucking in bathroom stalls? i think its meaning is now gone





"Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end as your lies crumble down, a new life she has. "

tellmewhattothinkandiwillbelieveit