a story from the depth of our secret lives as cross dressers

everytime i stare at this blank page my mind goes blank. unless there is just too much going threw it that i cant cath a sentence. i love it when i can think of what i want to say, but thats only when im laying in bed or stretched out on the couch. "Come here girl, go ahead be gone with it,COme to the back, go ahead be gone with it," your cell phone rings, the millionth and one call this hour. you would think you were famous by the amount of people trying to reach you. always unfamiliar numbers always new voices. except there the same people who are always calling, its just theirs way to many to remeber. the ones that called you a year ago, just to say hi and how your day was going. those were the ones you remebered, now there just another file lost in that messy little head of yours. names never go good with faces. smiles always go good with eyes. i called your cell expecting you to answer, but for the first time in years, you didnt. i was shocked, i thought you were hurt and rusheed over to see you. i opened the door to see you with her. watching our movie, siiting in my spot on the couch that i nicely covered. drinking from the cups we bought on our last vacation, now it seems so long ago. the best part, her wearing my shorts, the ones you bought me the night i wanted to fly to miami. they were so cute and funny that i couldnt leave you, plus the smile wasnt easy to get over. you didnt even realize i was there and you leaned over and kissed her. i was going to break everything and that house and beat you senseless. but, i didnt, i couldnt. it would be easy to say i wasnt expecting it, but i was. i was waiting for that day to come. any other guy would have felt my wrath, but it was you. the kid that stole my heart, the one who watched the stars and sunrise with me on the beach. the one who never missed my call, the one who talked to me for hours, sometimes from 12 pm- 8 am. in the middle of your kiss she pulled away, not because she didnt want to kiss you but because she seen me in the door way. you turned around and had that look in your eye, i had only seen it one other time, the time the whole world crshed with us in the middle. the reason for the new furniture and spackle. i didnt even slap the door and run off, because people only do that when they want to be chased after, but i didnt. i nicley shut the door and relocked it. i walked down the steps and bacl to the car, the longest walk in my life. "so did he come out and get you?" "did he call you later?". no, and no. i knew he wouldnt and i didnt want him to. being cold hearted is the new black, and guess whos all trendy. foe someone whos not in to the latest movements, you sure act like you are. i was gonna sit in the car and just cry for a few hours, but it wasnt like that, had no reason to. i drove away and blasted the stereo, not realizing what cd i had in. i was gonna trow it in the back seat but didnt,i put it back on the visor and put the new cd in, the one you bought me. its funny how the one i bough ened up being "our" cd, and the one you bought ened up being "my" cd, shouldnt that have been reversed. our songs on your cd, my songs on mine.drove for hours untill i got lost in a unfamilliar town, but then again any town without you next to me in it is unfamilliar. i wond up on the beach, like most times. the sun was about to rise, i coundt be ther when it rose. held my cell in one hand as to throw it out to see, but i just droped it into my bag. i went to the car, it was so cold out. i reached for my big cummfy sweater that i always have in the back seat. i put the sweater on, turns out it wassnt mine, it was yours. i went to throw it out the window, but decide to leave it on, i was to cold to take it off. finaly found my way out of that god forsaken town. back to my room. layed in bed, too many pictures of you in that room. wanted to rip them all and burn them and brake every last frame. but i went to sleep, i didnt deserve to see the sunrise. woke up and packed everything i had that was not related to you. i put your sweater on the couch, in the exact position it would be if you were sitting there. i loked the door and left."Miami, Miami, Miami Well every hour on the hourYou have to, you just have to trust me Whoever I was then,I can't ever be again". i coulndt be that same girl any more, and this time you werent able to stop me from leaving, not like you wanted to any way.who ccares that we were friends, we were more, just the friends title is easier. sit on the couch and watch movies, vaccation together, sleep in the same bed. not to mention the occasional benifits, but close friends can apparently do that, or so we liked to say. the fun part was being there for eachother when we needed it and having no commitments except the ones we all had with our close friends. but non as close as us. but just the fact of her in my pants, with my glass watching my movie, that just got to me. a week later, the day that we had planned to paint the little mural in that secret little room, you called me. i guess you went to my place and seen me gone, i guess after a while you picked up that all my things that had nothing to do with you were gone. the first thing that came to mind was that i was actually gone, and not that you would miss me or wanted to find me, but that your mural was not going to get done. " something real, make it timeless.An act of God and nothing less will be accepted" my phone rang, i picked it up, eventhough i didnt want to. "where are you, you were supossed to paint the scene today." " is that what you really care about? figures. i knew you changed. well im finaly where i want to be and im not going back, and im not going to be who i was ever again, i cant stand to be. i traded in hell for heaven, this angel got her wings back and you ain cliping them again, good bye!". i never thought i'd have to say that, but it felt good. i may have found home, i thought home was with you, and no one else. turns out home is with out you and with out everyone else. home is just me on my own, not being held up or hoding anyone up. no more weight on these shoulders, no more discrace on these smiles. two days latter you have the balls enough to show up at my house, i knew i shoulndt have used the card to rent it. i let you in, i only talk to tell you to make your self at home, i am not a rude hostess, i am very polite. but i tell you i have to leav and i walk out on to the beach, everyone always knew i was bound to rent a beach house for the summer one year, to bad summer is dieing,like you.you dont say a word because you realized i was right. just being in the same room can slowy help heal it, i hate you were right. night comes and i wont make you sleep on the couch and you know that, the only reason i didnt kick you out of my bed. morning came, i went out to breakfast, and brought you bakc food, god knows we were never up early, but i changed to keep sane. yo appologized and realized i was right all along, you say it can be back to normal, but its way to soon. i tell you to stay with me for a while and then we can ease back in to life back "home", because here you cant act, there is no fooling miami. miam,miam, my heart beats miami. its still to soon to tell, but when we go back, we are just gonna be the way were were the first time we were there, not the people we became.

"..Unhand me, God damn me, Miami"

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