"When you feel you have had it up to here,Cause you mad enough to scream but you sad enough to tear "

i cant believe theshit that happens when your name is involved. things get missunderstod and i end up crying once again. as you can tell this blog will not be like the others. this is raw, uncut, trueer, more sincere, more honest, more real. or maybe it isnt, im to disoriented to think. loving you even when i thought you were the ugliest thing i ever seen, but like i said i still loved you. but your looks grew on me, because for some reason the more i think i know someone they actually change how i actually physically see them. shouldnt have said that, but tis true and im gonna regret it, but i feel like im in the never endeing bad dream. the one when you wake up in the mornig it endes, but that night when you go to sleepi continues. a comma would kill me. fist it was good. i loved you and thought you didn know my name. then we talked and i thought you would forget the next day. then i see your name and think of all the reason i could possibly see it. first thoughts aree negitive, because sometimes im just a positive pessimist, but only when im afraid to get hurt, this time i was right. im not sure if the reason i heard was real or not, but it hurt. no one should worrie about me, im to oldfor lies and old enough to hanlde my self. itake care of my own shit, fight my own battles, and dnt hld no punches and dont take shit from anyone, but im no mean, i have a heart of gold, im just good at defending myself. i loved everything about you, ask anyone, i always talked about everything you have ever did, and how i love every imperfection and everything eles. how im about to write something, theright before i hit publish, i check yours and you already wrote it, so i just delete mine. maybe great minds think alike, but that would be an insult to you. alls i ever wanted was to have sometimes honest, sometimes funny, sometimes weird, and sometimes phylosophical conversations wth you. but that chance has been blown. i worrie about you more than anyone else,even myself. i never said what you might think i said. and what i did say wasnt meant to be taken the way it was, and i didnt even mean it to who youmight think i did, it was a general opinion and not meant like that. thats why i have always hated this, messages get mixed up and everything is taken wrong. thats wh i love the phone, even thought messages and signals still get crossed, it isn as bad. I FUCKING LOVE YOU! now its not even worth it, all i worked towards is gone. nothing left in my life is good, i would say i only had my dog left, but just now when i went to cry on her and hug her, for the first time in 8 yrs, she pulled away, that hurt evenmore. coming home from a family fight, then being dissed and bitched at, in front of your sister, thats bad. and haveing something your bff made for you as a nice joking gift kinda, that hurts. every lie i believed was unleashed, everything i told myself gotwashed away in the rain. i may be over reacting but you would to. " i want to go some where that no one knows me"- stand by me, dont we all want to start over? this is the 4th time this year that i want to. if i went to slepp and never woke up, that would be the best, except that i would miss my friends, who hold me together, but tonight, none of the picked up the phone, im alone, not even the thought of you can get me threw, its all over. the phone will always be down, and not on my pillow ever again. this is me getting ready to give up. sorryif this gets you mad but deal, you dont know how i feel. i cant believe this happened. i figured that being another fly on the wall, and nly hopeing to be picked out one day was a dream, dreams are good till they become real, bu for all the wrong reasons. all the times i was sick, all the times i almost died, sometimes i wished i did. suicide doesnt work for me, i would never hurt myself, i respect my self, god, and the people who claim they love me too much. it was never, and never will ever be an option for me, so dont ever worry about it, please, thats the last thing i need to worry about anyone worrying about. ever want t crawl into a dark corner and never come out. ever have people think you are someon different then the person the people physicaly around you know you as? i thought so. you told me not to believe everything i read, i would encourage you to do the same. all that glitters isnt gold, nt everything is made out to be what you think, sometimes its just a morauge(i dont feel like thinking of how it is spelled but i think you get it, and i refuse to use spell check or the backspace key).its funny how i wanted to hear your voice, now if i did, i would die, puke, faint. no, i dont know what i would do, b/c it all depends on what you know and what you think. ALL THATS PURE AND SIMPLE IS RARELY PURE AND NEVER SIMPLE. this just feels so real right now. i feel like im falling, no one willcatch me, and no one cares enough to help, i will never land, or hit the ground. you know that feeling you get on a ride or rollercoaster? when your body jumps ut of your skin? i used to hate that feeling, till i relized it was only b/c i loved t so much. i used to get that feeling when i thought of you, now im just getting acid reflux, and and so dizzy, like spinning in circles. i cant sayanything eles, b/c this isnt the best time to write something that will be published on the blog, but ohwell, im to far in to this deep shit, it couldnt get worse, but since i said that, i bet it will.to be honest i have nothing tosay to you, not because idont want to, but because i simply cant. i feel like vern b/c he always says sincerely, that was the best movie, i still cry when he says he hasnt had friends like the ones he did when he was 12, because i know it is true, eventhought my friends now are fucking awesome, its not the same, maybe b/c then i had no worries and they didnt either, but now we do, but now we also have each other to lean on, but sometimes that makes a conflict, back then we never had conflitct. im gonna shut up, simplyb/c im going insane w/ worry, im not sure even you can fix it, im not sure any one can. im not gonna sleep till i see you name. but when i eventually do sleep, im sure when i wake up i will be ok
thisistheshittruefuckinglove
^ all the shit me and my bff say to eachother tied into one, i wh\ish she picked up the phone tonight, i would have felt a little better

deal w/ the spelling errors and try to ignorethem and not let them get to you

xoxo? i dunno anymore