This is me standing in the shadow of the door saying I give up, as you stand inside wondering what is going on

I cant do this. I must do this. I try to give up, but I cant. At times I say "this is it, im done, I give up, im not gonna waste another day and do this to myself, its not healthy at all." and others I say " I cant give up, its abandonment, i've done so much to get hear, I will loose it all if I walk away. to much love and enjoyment, to much freedom." im an addict. im addicted. im a junkie. not addicted to drugs, but something far more worse. no, not love, even worse. no, not the thought of love, worse. you. no meetings or clinics have solutions for this. no one can undo the past. im stuck here. like a fly to the paper. like a rat on a trap. helplesslytrying to wiggle free but just getting more stuck, and slowly dying. just as I think im almost free, I get stuck even more. its hopeless. im hopeless. I don't want to give up, but I know I should. im pretty good at hiding it, people don't know the depth to this, they think its based on shallow thoughts. I'm not shallow, nor does it influence me. Shallow was the past. now they think its from shallow remorse.no. I'm more sincere then humanly possible. maybe I'm not human? Doubt that. Just know as much as I want to give up I cant, your to addicting. Crack has nothing on you.
lYlOlUl
my anti- drug
(that's a drug itself)

whadufx up with jogging?

ever go outside and stand in the rain when you where away from home? Like, on vacation, or just in another state, or the other end of the state. Not because it was raining, but b/c for some reason it feels so free, especially when your away from home, its a level of enlightenment. Really? fo' sure
kissmegoodnighti'llkissyougoodmornig