All i ever wanted..............out of life

alls i ever wanted was to be held, hold you
alls i ever wanted was to be loved,love you
alls i ever wanted was to be free,free you
alls i ever wanted was honesty, be honest to you
alls i ever wanted was some sincerity, be sincere to you
alls i ever wanted was to not blow any good things coming, not blow it with you
alls i ever wanted was to be understood, i understand you
alls i ever wanted was to not have to watch what i say b/c someone might take itint the wrong way, for you to not believe them
alls i ever wanted was to seem like the one sane person left on this godforsaken earth, for you to think ofme like that
alls i ever wanted was to randomly speak my mind and say anything on it, you do the same
alls i ever wanted was to be able to say i love youwith out all the aftermath hitting me, u know
alls i ever wanted was to not be judged by people that dont even know me, u ruined it(?)
alls i ever wanted was to be able to breath,freely, and on my own, to bad you cant
alls i ever wanted was fresh open air to think in, you got that sometimes
alls i ever wanted was to walk the beach on a nice col and collected mornig steping on the wet
sand, with no one around, you couldnt handle that
alls i ever wated was to throw out the body pillows and have my bestfriend lying there talking
with me till sunrise
alls i ever wanted was to see the foriegn number and have the voice counter it, you dont get that do you(?)
alls i ever wanted was t know you, and dream of you knowing me but not have you ever hear
my name, guess that got blown
alls i ever wanted was to be able to say alls without geting critiqued, but i know someone will
alls i ever wanted wasto act crazy, and be silly when ever i want especially at 4 am, guess you
took it wrong
alls i ever wanted was to hear your name or see you picture and smile and laugh, think someone
fucked that up for me
alls i ever wanted was to accomplish my dreams and have no one tell me i couldnt, i would never denie someone like others did me
alls i ever wanteed was to beable to be a bitch and be loved for it, and i am, except by a few, maybe even you
alls i ever wanted was for this blog to be dedicated to you, but that went to hell
alls i ever wanted was to start writting again before i lost it, but thats to late now
alls i ever wanted was to go a year without having something physically (not mentally you
ass) wrong with me, friday blew that
alls i ever wanted was to dream, you crushed that
alls i ever wanted was to believe the lies i told myself, now i cant
i just hope those wer lies and you never said that, i only calmed down after sleeping and realizing how many flaws the story had and how it was probably not true, unless you lie
alls i ever wanted was to not have to worry about you finding out who i actually if we talk, but im a different person in realife, this is a a secret home, im sure you get it
alls i ever wanted was to do good and never get bitch slaped, guess mom is always right
alls i ever wanted was to hold on to a dream with no realitys hanging on, too bad i fell
alls i wanted was for youtoactually know the person before making acusations, that failed
alls i ever wanted was a lot, now its shit
i hope to god its all false because all i ever wanted was for shit never to start and for only good things inlife, i have so much on my mind this makesit worse, sleeping for ever sounds good to me, but breathing in another state seems better. i need a vacation, that wouldnt help me from thinkg this though. being in LA, maybe storming the beaches at 5am, but i can do that here, but being across the country from all the problems seems way better, but trouble follows me like a black cloud, now there is two up ahead, thanks for that, iwont for get it. its been rainig bad for the last couple days, maybe if it starts up again tomarrow i might walk in the rain along the beach untill sunrise, if it rises, it ussaly doesnt when itknows i want it to. my icon was "i love walking in the rain, no one can tell i am crying" i loved it, it made me laugh, and cry. you werent able to read it though,bu tmy bff made me a new icon,as a silly inside joke thing, no one will ever understand, i love her bitchy ass,"lol".to me this name has meaning, its not fake b/c i am not a fruad. it is not a joke b/c when it somes down to sincerity, it means alot to me. i chose thi for a reason, simple, yet complexed. first and a user name, then a screen name, then the name on every site i joined not to far after.no one will understand and they will all always say shit about it, but i dont care when it has meaning to me like the old bed set from the first 101 dalmation cartoon movie, i threw sut the sheets, but the pillow case lies in my linen closet, it will never be thrown out, to sentimental. or the doll my grandmother gave me, i keep in on my shelf, i cant let it go.my cell phone that inever let out of my site, but yet its been easier since like i said, it must signal me givving up, but i dont want to yet, so it is curently cliped on to my eminem shirt since the boxers dont have pockets.im really trying, this ment to much to me to let it go. i knoe i kinda gave up, thats why i said ment, im not sure its meaning to me now, im trying to catch it and pull it back to shore and tie it up till i figure it out. wish me luck
(i bet all this is un nessesary since it was probably all a lie, it makesme laugh a little, even if this makes me hate you, i will always unfortionetly love you)

whatever happened to kissing in the rain? or fucking in bathroom stalls? i think its meaning is now gone





"Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end as your lies crumble down, a new life she has. "

tellmewhattothinkandiwillbelieveit

"When you feel you have had it up to here,Cause you mad enough to scream but you sad enough to tear "

i cant believe theshit that happens when your name is involved. things get missunderstod and i end up crying once again. as you can tell this blog will not be like the others. this is raw, uncut, trueer, more sincere, more honest, more real. or maybe it isnt, im to disoriented to think. loving you even when i thought you were the ugliest thing i ever seen, but like i said i still loved you. but your looks grew on me, because for some reason the more i think i know someone they actually change how i actually physically see them. shouldnt have said that, but tis true and im gonna regret it, but i feel like im in the never endeing bad dream. the one when you wake up in the mornig it endes, but that night when you go to sleepi continues. a comma would kill me. fist it was good. i loved you and thought you didn know my name. then we talked and i thought you would forget the next day. then i see your name and think of all the reason i could possibly see it. first thoughts aree negitive, because sometimes im just a positive pessimist, but only when im afraid to get hurt, this time i was right. im not sure if the reason i heard was real or not, but it hurt. no one should worrie about me, im to oldfor lies and old enough to hanlde my self. itake care of my own shit, fight my own battles, and dnt hld no punches and dont take shit from anyone, but im no mean, i have a heart of gold, im just good at defending myself. i loved everything about you, ask anyone, i always talked about everything you have ever did, and how i love every imperfection and everything eles. how im about to write something, theright before i hit publish, i check yours and you already wrote it, so i just delete mine. maybe great minds think alike, but that would be an insult to you. alls i ever wanted was to have sometimes honest, sometimes funny, sometimes weird, and sometimes phylosophical conversations wth you. but that chance has been blown. i worrie about you more than anyone else,even myself. i never said what you might think i said. and what i did say wasnt meant to be taken the way it was, and i didnt even mean it to who youmight think i did, it was a general opinion and not meant like that. thats why i have always hated this, messages get mixed up and everything is taken wrong. thats wh i love the phone, even thought messages and signals still get crossed, it isn as bad. I FUCKING LOVE YOU! now its not even worth it, all i worked towards is gone. nothing left in my life is good, i would say i only had my dog left, but just now when i went to cry on her and hug her, for the first time in 8 yrs, she pulled away, that hurt evenmore. coming home from a family fight, then being dissed and bitched at, in front of your sister, thats bad. and haveing something your bff made for you as a nice joking gift kinda, that hurts. every lie i believed was unleashed, everything i told myself gotwashed away in the rain. i may be over reacting but you would to. " i want to go some where that no one knows me"- stand by me, dont we all want to start over? this is the 4th time this year that i want to. if i went to slepp and never woke up, that would be the best, except that i would miss my friends, who hold me together, but tonight, none of the picked up the phone, im alone, not even the thought of you can get me threw, its all over. the phone will always be down, and not on my pillow ever again. this is me getting ready to give up. sorryif this gets you mad but deal, you dont know how i feel. i cant believe this happened. i figured that being another fly on the wall, and nly hopeing to be picked out one day was a dream, dreams are good till they become real, bu for all the wrong reasons. all the times i was sick, all the times i almost died, sometimes i wished i did. suicide doesnt work for me, i would never hurt myself, i respect my self, god, and the people who claim they love me too much. it was never, and never will ever be an option for me, so dont ever worry about it, please, thats the last thing i need to worry about anyone worrying about. ever want t crawl into a dark corner and never come out. ever have people think you are someon different then the person the people physicaly around you know you as? i thought so. you told me not to believe everything i read, i would encourage you to do the same. all that glitters isnt gold, nt everything is made out to be what you think, sometimes its just a morauge(i dont feel like thinking of how it is spelled but i think you get it, and i refuse to use spell check or the backspace key).its funny how i wanted to hear your voice, now if i did, i would die, puke, faint. no, i dont know what i would do, b/c it all depends on what you know and what you think. ALL THATS PURE AND SIMPLE IS RARELY PURE AND NEVER SIMPLE. this just feels so real right now. i feel like im falling, no one willcatch me, and no one cares enough to help, i will never land, or hit the ground. you know that feeling you get on a ride or rollercoaster? when your body jumps ut of your skin? i used to hate that feeling, till i relized it was only b/c i loved t so much. i used to get that feeling when i thought of you, now im just getting acid reflux, and and so dizzy, like spinning in circles. i cant sayanything eles, b/c this isnt the best time to write something that will be published on the blog, but ohwell, im to far in to this deep shit, it couldnt get worse, but since i said that, i bet it will.to be honest i have nothing tosay to you, not because idont want to, but because i simply cant. i feel like vern b/c he always says sincerely, that was the best movie, i still cry when he says he hasnt had friends like the ones he did when he was 12, because i know it is true, eventhought my friends now are fucking awesome, its not the same, maybe b/c then i had no worries and they didnt either, but now we do, but now we also have each other to lean on, but sometimes that makes a conflict, back then we never had conflitct. im gonna shut up, simplyb/c im going insane w/ worry, im not sure even you can fix it, im not sure any one can. im not gonna sleep till i see you name. but when i eventually do sleep, im sure when i wake up i will be ok
thisistheshittruefuckinglove
^ all the shit me and my bff say to eachother tied into one, i wh\ish she picked up the phone tonight, i would have felt a little better

deal w/ the spelling errors and try to ignorethem and not let them get to you

xoxo? i dunno anymore

I Challenge you To Make Me Bigger Than Life (as you run threw the yard and hop the fence, i try to sheild you from the guards lights....

but either it is not working, or you wont let me.


locked here in this room, wasting time waiting for a reply. i wish you would only use this computer to write and not see what others say. only listen to your self and the people who are actually physicaly around you, for get the phones and monitors, live in the present, not the future nor the past. do it for you.me.them.her.us all!


i cried again today. i knew it was true, but i tried to denie it, because i hated it. it was true, knew it was when i heard it last mont, but i was able to denie it, but now i aint. this is gonna make my job harder. i want to give up but wont, because im almost poaitive you would never give up on me.


bought more body pillows to fill the void. they arent as soft as you, even thou the new on is a micro suede body pillow and is hypo allergenic. its not as good as you. two friends are really friends when they can sleep in the same bed and make the rest of the world go away, without having "relations" if you get the drift.

theres nothing left to say right now, because im getting all choked up thinking about you.

aint it funny how i know you better then you know yourself, and how i could help you.

but aint it funnier that you would never let me, trust me.

takethislightandholdmyhandandwewilltrulyfindourhome
nomorebeinghomesick
justleap

love you, take care,try to let me threw, i think we communicate in the sky, and our dreams in "a parralle universe" but we wont know untill we are face to face, which will be soon enough.

good night because the sleep i will get, will be for you. ♥
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

"life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button girl So just cradle your head in your hands."

"sing it if you understand "

i finally relized what it is that i think i really want. the reason why i go to sleep when the sun comes up and the reason i wake up at 7 am then go back to sleep and the reason i lie in bed till between 2 or 6 pm. Last night i had a dream that like ussuall, i cant control. i was going threw my phone book then it all whne blank, and all my numbers where delteted, even yours. then all of a sudden, like 500 names came up, "all famous" people, i was taken a way when i seen bob marleys number and thought of you, but i wondere how it was possible, then realized anything is possible, just not problible. right away i went to see if your number was still there. then i seen "a" name, listed "the" your home and mobile. i got a lil scered, b/c thats how i roll. i didnt want to call knowing what time it was, then i realized that there was four hours between us at that current moment. i couldnt stop myself, my fingure hit the green button (my favorite color). you answered, and i said, " uhm, hi dude, is like steph there?", and you said " nah man, i think you got the wrong number, but maybe you dont". and so the story goes on alil somthin like this:

me: what do you mean?

you: i think you wanted to callm me and by chance ended up dialing the wrong number and just kinda got a little lucky.

me: you voice does sound familliar, so maybe you are right, so then i guess, whats up? what are you doing right now?

you: sitting on the couch, bored out of my mind, shockingly, doubt you would expect to hear that

me: acttually, i had a feeling you were gonna say that. haha, so, up for a long convo till the sun finishes riseing?

you: haha, sure man.

and that went on for what felt like 3 hrs, till we ended up on a plane with snakes ( guess i rly want to see that movie pretty bad, you should go with me, lol, only no, you screaming constantly would piss me off, haha) we had to go under the floors, like aa secret little level, which was weird, but isnt it always? so any way, only me and you knew how to get out, so we got the closetbunch of people next to us and lid them out, except for a few who refused to go. then all the strangers turned in to my friends, but then quickly turned back. in the middle of those weird tunnels we we crawling threw, you turned and stood up to kiss me. the tunnels turned to a hallway, i was shocked and couldnt move, i felt like it was the whole last kiss before we die thing, our first and last kiss all i once, i thought i was gonna puke. then the halls turned back to tunnels and we were crawling again. i though, how did this happen, we were on the phone, then on a plane, now in tunnels, and somehow we were friends on the plane and in the tunnels you wished we were more, when you thought we were about to die. i was so confused but couldnt stop to think because i had to help lead the people out. then you turned to me with a look in your eyes, then before i could fu\igure the look out i woke up, it was 7:45 am, i hadnt been sleeping for to long. why are my dreams never normal? but then again, i aint the perfect example of normal, and either are you so dont even try to talk.

just had to say that, otherwise the dream would come back where it left off, and i nt want to know what the look ment.

alwaysandfovereillbebackingyouup

with her you never win and always lose; with me, you never win but never lose

The moment I put down the phone is the moment that signifies I have given up. Not just on you, but on everything; it signifies the end. But it seems like I have been forgetting it lately and it's been easier to put down. But today I havent left it once; i refuse to give up just yet.

everytime i look at the licsen plates aroound, it seems less and less are familliar and more and more reminde me of you. your state, the one tht you call home. everyday more of them are around or maybe they are just getting easier to pick out of the crowd. the light blue and red vs. the navy and white, who wil win? you decide. or maybe for now we will have to add another group of colors to the game since i bet you rarley see these now, being where you are, or maybe you do, i dunno.

finding it hard to erite when im down here, and finding it easer to think of what i wanna say whne im lying in bed starring at the stars, the glowin the dark ones from second grade. how come people take pictures and make a big deal out of sunset and sunrise? what about when the moon sets and rises, sometimes pople tend to forget and make less or a deal out of it. rise sun and kill thy envious moon! favoritism? yes, the sun plays a big roll, but the moon does too. without it we would have no light at night or the currentss that we do, and if it was sunny all day the earth would be too hot and we would not be used to sleeping schedules. eventhough we sleep allday and stay up all night.

the airconditioner is turned up high and im shaking cold. its not like when i was cold and you would hold me to get me warm. when i sleep at night my body may be able to get warm but for some reason my hands an feet are alway cold and sometimes numb. i guess i never noticed it before because the extra body heat kept them warm. i think they miss you, i know i do. im waiting on that mind fuck, you talk about it, but i dont think you have ever actually done it, but you wanted to get the message out. but you can test the theory on me, unless you want it proven right? because im not like them hos, haha, you know i love to say that, and you do too, dont try to denie it!

i love you so much that if i loved you any more i would be considered insane. or maybe im insane right now for even loving you as much as i already do. im not sure, you pick, you were never/ always good at that.

soon we will do this again..

we walk down the dark hall way and i get scared and grabb your hand

not even the person standing next to be, but you, eventhough you are behined me

you pull me close and laugh as you hold me against your chest

the same chest i was pounding on last week when you said you had to leave again

but as much as i know you will comeback, i want to go with you

everytime you leave i wish i was her, because she gets to go on the 3 day visits

it might make it harder but at least she gets to hear voice, which i would die for

but if i went i would never be able to leave, so i guess this is best, unles you never leave

but that would be asking to much of you.them.the world. god.

lifes just an hourglass glued to the table, and no one can find the rewinde button boy so cradle your head in you hands, and breath, just breath

whenyousettledowninbedandturnoverandthereisaemptyspace

remeberwhoshouldbethere

take care kid, luv ya lots

(p.s. for laughs! fuckinginabathroomstallandkissingintherain , b/c thats how we roll )

is that the stars twinkling or is that just the moon light reflecting off my tears..

i need a miricale for you to please let me be your girl, just give me the chance and you will see that i am made for you


I've been leaving you secret messages in the clouds.skies.moon.stars. i didnt see a star out tonight, till we put the top down and and felt the wind in my hair and looked straight up. there it was, the brightest out of too stars, polaris. i looked deep in to the moon and left you a message, the forth one. it seems that two of the messages were left as i went down that familiar lonley street, the one that remineds me we are not together. the one that tells me, if we aint in the same bed, we could be in a different state and feel closer. when your here and im there you feel so alone. wait, thats the other way around. you shatter at the sight of a tear, yet stand tall at the sigt of a stream. one can move to you, but a set will not make you budge. the first time was the last time. you didnt mean to.you pushed me in to the wall. i grabbed you and pushed you into the same wall and smacked you. you got more mad, but with that trade mark of yours that i did back to you, you calmed. then u realized what you did and could not stop apologizing, but from then on you knew i dont take shit from any one, not even you. its funny how much i miss you. how much you have never been with me. how much i look at the number in the phone book and the picture and name above, but will never call it. im afraid to hear her voice. i wish i would hear yours. but i have to go through here to get you and she wont let me get to you.maybe i should try the other number. but i know i wont. unless one day you tell her to accept one call and that just so happens to be me. but life aint perfect untill we all die, then it just gets a little easier, or so it is said. but how do they know if the havent died yet? reincarnation doesnt leave you with memories so dont pull that b.s. with me. i long for your bed. your arms. you lips. your eyes. your legs wraped up with mine. that smile and luagh. your room. your kitchen. your basement, yet we dont do what you did with them down their. maybe because im something special, of just becuase im not. i read the last entry and felt home sick, yet i was lying in my own bed. makes me think maybe this aint the right home for me. it made me a little sad, but not as much when you realize you already knew it. or maybe more so, ill let you pick. maybe its because i might be homesick for your home, which is not my home, but maybe i want it to be. but i rly dont. subconciouses can be a bitch, but what would we do with out them, life would be a bore. i hope that made sense.

i kissed the phone and went to sleep, praying you would call. another night wasted because you didnt. i added it to my collection and tallied it up, so far it has been two months of endless praying and hopeing. im hopless. but hopefull. you love it. but i hate it.

kiss my hand, ill signal you off
hug me from behined ill gladly hug you back
kiss my forehead, ill kiss your lips
hug me from the front and ill shake you off
call me weird but this is logic
when you realize it, you will get it
you might hear it, but i know your not listening
hear the birds, listen to the crickets
this is you, and this is me
get it now?
i knew you wouldnt?

good night crickets, becouse the one with the lowest cherp is now you

loveyousomuchthatyouwillneverbeabletocomprehendit
takethistoyourgraveandillkeepitinminebutourbedsourourgravesifyoucatchmydrift

not 839, but 251........

when your gone, she looks for you
when you're hear, she doesnt want to be around you
when you talk to her she walks away
when we talk to you, she buts in
we only know off what she does, and not what you did
old news that was already said, but just a reminder sometimes
just to break you down, so you now how we feel when we wait, but nothing happens
^ randomness, just b/c i love everyone and hate you all.


They say love is blind, but they say justice is too, when we know that aint true. how come lately everytime i go to grab your hand im left grabbing air?i was there for you when you needed me most and you were ther for me when i needed you most and after every post. we'd slip in to bed, but not as you loud think. just two friends sleeping and nothing more. i know you and you know me. im siting wrapped in a blanket pretending its your arms. i hope one day i will be able to write a song for you, like you have for me. and that maybe one day i will be come an writter, but no as a job, we know i can do great illustrations and design close that would be in fashion, just b/c i have good taste. but who cares, but any way, in a few months i will be able to grab you hand again, b/c my bestfriends yet worst enemies will give you back to me.





i wish i could move this monitor to my bed, so i would never miss a step you take. or better yet move you to my bed, but that wouldnt be fair to them, or your soulmate who im telling you is out there, just open yur eyes and you will see her, or him, if you are making changes that i dont know about? "lol,jk!", "psyc!", feel better. you know as much as you wanna, u aint alone, as much as they aint your friends, you still have friends, as much as they lie to you, there are still honest people. dont base your acusations on a few million people, b/c for every million that make you loose faith, there are a billion more to make you regain it.


keep us guessing, yet we already know. try to loose us but we're hot on your trail. to bad you cant catch a break from this hot heavy light they all hold over you. lonley summer nights are best when the person you love is a million miles away, and your friends are two doors down. and the only person to calm you nerves, the person with the warmest touch, is passed out on the floor next to you, but you know she's not rly sleeping, but it helps when you think she is, b/c you love to watch her sleep.

not a real entry but w/e.


bringmetoyourbedandiwillshowyoufriendship

staygoldboyandgetthejobdoneright

this doesnt deserve a witty title.......does it?

i see you as you make your way across the room, as our eyes meet. then all of a suden you are lost in the crowd, i cant find you. someone grabs my arm, i try to turn to see who it is and my eyes get covered. then a kiss to my neck, your new trade mark, i know its you. those soft lips comfort me, and that warm hand slidding up my back, only your touch could do this to me. Wait, i feel a warm breath on my face, i feel a kiss to my lips, this cant be you, can it? i move the hand, it is you? what was that i ask with my eyes, and you yell, physc!!! because, yea, you are like that, and you love it when things are being faked, because they are that much better when you find out they are. except for in your bedroom, and with love, and friends, but friends are love, right? you grab my hand as we circle the room, saying high to all the liars and fakes, and some of our closest friends. we laugh and smile with our friends, we giggle and smirk with the liars, so they can tell it is fake. we finish saying hello to everyone, you pull me to the side "lets blow this joint, come on lets bounce!" you say, "i love it when you randomly talk like that" i say. "no, but for real, lets leave, they wont know" you say,"they wont know? you are kind of a big part of this, and what about our friends?" i say. "we'll catch them later, they'll understand" "well, ok if you say so" "kay baby, right out this side door" "baby? you make me laugh, were are we going?"

"close your eyes, i'll lead you, just like the trust excercise you did on that trip." "wait are you gonna make me eat random shit too?" "no, lets go"


i open my eyes, we are on the beach. "why is everything on the beach latley?"
"because you love it, and what do you mean everything?"
"oh, nevermind, you dont read the blog, but your in it"
" i am? u have a blog?"
"just forget it, and stare into the endless horizon line, there's no set or rise, but the stars and moon are up, our own communication line at night"
"yea, thats how we know it is true"
"arent you glad i made you take the leap, told you i would catch you, aaf"
" just like i will always catch you, im gladd you never gave up on me, thx, i found my other half, my new best friend who seems like a minni replica kind of.... u know?"
"yes, now shut the hell up, and lie back!"
"why? are you gonna get on top?hahahaha!"
"i love you, you ass, but no, just lay next to me and star into the night sky, like we did back home"
"home thats funny, mi casa, su casa"
"u ass, you say you dont miss home to much but i know you do, i miss your home too"
"what about your home?"
"you know the deal, but i guess, i do miss it a little"
"i miss those late night snacks we ordered and had to make sure the guy didnt ring the bell to wake my mom"
"that was funny, except for the time i fell down your steps in my slippers and landed on her door, she yelled at me then asked if i was ok, i miss her"
"me too, she always keeps me happy, and grounded"
"something im not as good at, haha"
"yea haha"
"*gasp* *smacks him*"
"ow, haha, stop,haha"
"haha"



ON ANOTHER NOTE:she is your saftey net, but that aint right for her, cant you see it is making her miserable?!?! decide what you want with her, so she can live her life too. yea, i hate her, but i care for here to, this is a person that loves you saying, figure it out before you both get hurt worse

callmeirealyneedtohearyourvoice

If you are the shores, I am the waves begging for big moons

the sun is rising, im running along the beach with my only true friend. the water starts to touch her feet and she jumps, she still isnt used to the little waves that glaze over her paws. she starts to try to jump closer to the water, so she can go in. I give her a little tug, so she knows not to, she also knows i hate the way she smells when she gets wet. we take a break from runing, and i sit down in the sand, and i squeeze the coarse, yet powdery sand between my toes. she lies beside me, panting and gazing at the ocean line. i look at the sun as it rises, i start to think of what i am running from, and the reason i am on this beach. You. Me. Them. It all. when she is with me it all goes away,it is just us,me and my bestfriend, with our 8 yrs of history, she was there threw it all. The times we though i was about to die, and she was by myside, when i would cry from a fight w/ my mom, and she would hide in the coner till i was done, then come and give me a big kiss, or sometimes just jump up on my bed and let me hold her. i think of how i bought my mom a mothers day gift, two hamsters, brothers, and how she got jealous after she was done being scared of them. but now that one has died, i catch her siting by where he is buried, just looking off to the horizen or staring at the ground. i think she wished she spent more time loveing him then just smelling him, then giving him a dirty look before she would turn away. she stops panting to lick her lips then looks up at me. i give her the same look she gives me, then i rub her head and give her a hug, she smiles then looks back out to the horizon.the sand is kinda cold, and i feel a light gentle breeze, it wraps around every inch of my body, and i think of you. you should be next to me, or next to her with him or them. im sure she would love you if she knew you, she just barks and gives all men a hard time, especially if you are to close to me and she senses something is wrong.when she was a puppy i was her big sister who acted like her mother, we got older we were normal sisters who had each others back, we got a little more older, she was my mother, now, we are just the closet people on earth, she might not be classified as a human, but she is to me, dont call her a dog or a bitch, she doesnt like it. and i dont either. It is shocking that there is no one on the beach, just me and her or maybe there is and i just dont realize it. up again, time to move. this time walking. now running. now stoping, i cant move, my chest hurst, my throat hurts, im dizzy, light headed. Heavy hearted. its not a asthma attack, nor a heart attack, not even a panic attack, its a disease, named you. but, its ok, i handle it pretty well, considering that all the pills in the world couldnt fix it.

lotmoretosaybuthavetogofinishlivinglife
"...one heart beat at a time...."
doesnt it sound better w/o all the other shit?

dontgiveupyetkid
youstillhaveus
westillhaveyou

holdmelikeyouwantoandlikeiwantyoutoandtheworldcanend

im just the person you need, with the words and touch to calm you nerves and clear your mind

im tiered but cant sleep, well, fuck it, off to sleep i go, the last entry was good, i didnt think it was, and debated it, but reading it 27 times, it gets to you.
wish you would just see that last one, you would love it faithisbeingbitchysograbmyhandandtaketheleap
youneverknowtillyoudoitsojump
its even harder to forget you when you are further away, cross country, "for real".
3:52 am for me, 12:52 am for you
good night, i love you, dont forget it, stay well and changeyour message, make this girl laugh b/c you are just a silly boy

lovemelikeiloveyouandwellbefine