wishes never seemed so cliche as when your holding your pillow tight under different night skies

the only person on want on the couch next to me it the boy that will never speak of my name. it is so hard to see others when i can only see you. everything surounding me remindes me of you. love? no she's just slipping into a comatoazed state. im physically echausted from not listening to the doctor. going from european time to east coast time so quickly never works. its been three weeks and im still not used to it. all i do, i do it for you. being nocturnal is the best thing a girl could hope for. to bad we have to have an agenda to get somewhere in life. if i bail out now will you promise to back me? this ship keeps sinking faster and faster, grab a bucket and start bailing.
you only kiss me because you lovee my chapstick. well here's your own, will you still stick around?

totieredtothinktodrainednotto

mi amour

take me away please.
or i will do it myself.
befreeandliveheavyheart

when i die who's going to remember me?not you.

your the only thing that makes me happy. nice to have you back. im not as happy as i might have expected to be, but then again i discoverd this weird thing called "space" its not fun, so now i get so bored, but its a part of love and respect, so take it and run with it. be fucking happy. i love you.
theonlythingkeepingmefromhittingsendistheuniverse

This is me standing in the shadow of the door saying I give up, as you stand inside wondering what is going on

I cant do this. I must do this. I try to give up, but I cant. At times I say "this is it, im done, I give up, im not gonna waste another day and do this to myself, its not healthy at all." and others I say " I cant give up, its abandonment, i've done so much to get hear, I will loose it all if I walk away. to much love and enjoyment, to much freedom." im an addict. im addicted. im a junkie. not addicted to drugs, but something far more worse. no, not love, even worse. no, not the thought of love, worse. you. no meetings or clinics have solutions for this. no one can undo the past. im stuck here. like a fly to the paper. like a rat on a trap. helplesslytrying to wiggle free but just getting more stuck, and slowly dying. just as I think im almost free, I get stuck even more. its hopeless. im hopeless. I don't want to give up, but I know I should. im pretty good at hiding it, people don't know the depth to this, they think its based on shallow thoughts. I'm not shallow, nor does it influence me. Shallow was the past. now they think its from shallow remorse.no. I'm more sincere then humanly possible. maybe I'm not human? Doubt that. Just know as much as I want to give up I cant, your to addicting. Crack has nothing on you.
lYlOlUl
my anti- drug
(that's a drug itself)

whadufx up with jogging?

ever go outside and stand in the rain when you where away from home? Like, on vacation, or just in another state, or the other end of the state. Not because it was raining, but b/c for some reason it feels so free, especially when your away from home, its a level of enlightenment. Really? fo' sure
kissmegoodnighti'llkissyougoodmornig

kill me, god plz just kill me now! i cant take this!.. every thing, the world, the unnecessary heart ache

I'm sick.
takethathowyouwant

night morning bird

i misss wakeing up at 6 pm and going to bed at 7 am. i miss seeing your name with a message. i realize i wont ever be able to see it ever again. last year it worked because it was only an hour off, now its 4 hours, i dont think i can do that. maybe once i get in to the swing of things i can train my body to adjust to being awak rom 6 am-3pm, then make it 4 am -3pm. summer was a fantasy, i miss it so much, this is killing me so bad you have no idea. time to get back to real life. i envy you, your real life can be a dream and slightly is. only a few years left till complete freedom. scary? never. maybe a little, but only b/c if im set free on the world, all hell, will break loose. live for me will you? since i cant. go with her, i can careless, just dont come running and crying and whinnig for a year, now one cares, you've been forwarned somany times.one thing about her on this and i will barf, i dont hate her for the reasons mostt do, i just always did since ay one dispite my dad loving her, atleast my mother always hated her too. wtf am i talking about? i dont know, i got off subject and am so lost.
curently wearing : brown "silly blondes brains are for brunettes" shirt, and gray short shorts,lol, just the way you like me. wife beater and boxers.
currently wishing: him, he was hear right now, this room is so cold, as is the world, some one needs to keep me warm as is sane.
currently singing:sexy back, your so last summer
curently thinking: why is this so unfair, i know if the world ws perfect it be a bore, but can i get one wish?

boys like you are a dime a dozen boys like you are a dime a dozen

to bad its a lie
gowithherandgetitoverwithandouttayoursystem
hugsandkissesforbestfriends
kissesandhugsforus
xxoo love you always

(where only best friends when your on your knees never well...... for you.... claro que si! yo le amo y haría algo para hacerle feliz. ámeme, thats todo que pregunto. rompa mi corazón, pero usted sabe que lo fijaré. usted me hace hablar im tounges)

Q&a

ok, this isnt ment to be rude or mean, because im not that type of person. this is just my opinion and advice, only a inference based on observations.so now you say your trying to keep your private life actually private, but you must know it will never work. people will find everything out and spread it faster then a forest fire. so it will nevr be private. if you havent realized it yet, some people consider you a quote, celebrity, which means privacy is over. and if they cant find every little detail out they will make it up, and thats not wat you want, not rumours but lies. yea, you dont have to address anything you dont want. but wouldnt it be better to clear the air, and just say it so that people know the truth and not lies. yea, its there choice to believe, but its hard for a person to just linger without anything to believe, human nature tells us that we need something to believe in, like faith. its like how people believe in whatever god it might be, just so they have something they believe in and think they know the truth about, so they can live their lives without constant worry, that may be more dramatic, but you get the point. plus the rumours that might get spread by tabliods also might make u look bad or sleezy, so i wouldnt recomend leavin the issue up to them.especialy after the article that practicly said you were just a boy toy until she was ready for a serious relation ship and made it seem like you didnt mind geting used, i think that was the best, it brought tears to my eyes, not from sadness, but laughter.so anyway, if you just adress the fucking rumours and dont go around them, there will be less questions, whispers, and rumours. and im sure if you have the respect to adress it, people will have the respect to leave it be, since they already know the deal and wont be budding in. your probably thinking that you been threw this before and know what your doing, ok, fine, you might think im a jackass, ok, fine, i might just be, but im sure people wont do something they seen had a bad effect. but, this is just how i see it, not because i want to know, because honestly i could careless, i know its your life and whatever you do you do, and i know youll hopefully make all the right decissions and thats all that matters to me. but yea, somepeople are just gonna keep going after you and trying to find it all out, and make up what they cant get, so like i said its better for the truth to come from you then lies from the internet and tabliods. and ofcourse this doesnt effect the music, because that will always be there, but you have to realize this is the effect of being close and communicating to the fans, yes, your the greatest dudes for doing so and thats why people love you more, but every action bares a consequence, whether the action be good or bad.there is always a price to pay, yea it sux, but thats life, no one ever said it was fair. it shouldnt be that way, but it is, reality check dude, nthings normal anymore, everything has changed around you, even if you didnt. oh,once you told me not to believe anything i read, i asked you then what should i believe since you sometimes say not to believe you, you said you werent sure. then said what does my heart and head say, i said i wasnt sure any more, then the topic changed. i know you dont remeber that, but you said it. my head could tell me that im 6 feet all, but that doesnt mean its true, and hearts only work for that four letter word, if even that, but anyway, yea, seems like your big on people believeing what they want, which is never a good thing, b/c people are not always good with decideing fact from fiction and leaving boundaries.k, im done, you can call me a ass, or hate me, whatever, atleast i got this off my mind, b/c i couldnt think about philosophy when the screen infront of me was so screwed up. oh, one last thing you said:believe whatever you want about anything you read. that sounded a little rude, as if you were saying believe what ever you want b/c your going to anyway because your all fucked up and stupid and ignorant like that. kinda pissed me off a little eve if you didnt mean it like that. respond to this or dont, it doesnt really matter, as long as you see this and understand where im coming from and trying to tell you, then all is cool. sincerly,A.D.

A LATE NIGHT SNACK "PUT THE COOKIE DOWN JASON!"

I CRIED FOR YOU. AGAIN, BUT THIS TIME WAS DIFFERENT. I REMEBERED WHAT YOU SAID TO ME. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW YOU DONT. I THINK YOU LIED SO I WOULDNT FEEL BAD, OR MAYBE JUST BECAUSE YOU A GOOD HEARTED KID AND A GENUINE SWEETHEART. I DONT KNOW. IT WASNT MY BUISSNES, BUT YOU HANDLED IT WELL, EVEN THOUGH YOU ANSWERED THINGS I DIDNT ASK AND NEGLECTED WHAT I DID ASK. BUT I GOT THE POINT. YOU ONLY ANSWERED BECAUSE I THINK YOU COULD TELL I WAS HAVING A SPAZ MOMENT,LOL. ACTUALLY IT WAS A MONTH. NOT A PERSON IN THISWORLD CAN SAVE ME NOW, I SWAM OUT TO DEEP AND GOT STUCK. THE WATERS SO COLD IM DOING THE JELLY FISH FLOAT FOR SURVIVAL. ITS NOT WORKING AND IM RUNNIG OUT OF TIME. RUNNIG OUT OF TEARS. RUNNIG OUT OF TISSUES. RUNNIG OUT OF WISHES,HOPES AND DREAMS. RUNNING OUT OF IM SORRIES AND PLEASE FORGIVE ME'S. RUNNIG OUT OF TIME TO WASTE ON A IMPOSSIBLE DREAM. GIVING UP IS EASY, ITS STAYING THATS THE HARDEST. YOU GIVE ME CRWS FEET ANS LAUGH LINES. THERES A PERMINANT LINE RUNNING UNDER EACH EYE, THE TEARS HAVE MADE THIER LASTING MARK, ALL CAN SEE. JUST ONE DAY ON EARTH WITH YOU COULD END THIS OR START IT UP. WE'LL NEVER KNOW BECAUSE IT WONT EVER HAPPEN. I NEED A KISS, I NEED A HUG, BUT NOT FROM YOU, YOUD MAKE I WORSE. OR MAYBE I DO NEED IT FROM YOU? "THE ONLY PERSON WHO KNOWS WHATS BEST FOR YOU, IS YOU!", I DONT KNOW WHATS BEST FOR ME ANYMORE.
BE MY FLASH LIGHT? BE MY GUIDE? ME MY MARSHALL? I'LL BE YOUR KIM?
NIGHT LUV, NEVER CHANGE
TO LATE

im falling down the bunny hole it seems like theres no end. this is a optical illusion my heart has on my head.

if i ever fell so hard in my life, like i plunged to the end of the earth, i'd want you to be the one to catch me.

i had this dream a couple nights ago. i was falling at an alarming pace, then i was finalely caught by two people. i didnt see their faces, but i noticed their shoes. the one person i knew would always catch me no matter what, and the person i only dreamed would. it felt unreal, but then again it was a dream. love me for me? never. i know what i need to do i know who i am. i know who i want to be. i know who i need to be. i know who im going to be. i know how im getting there. be a stepping stone? never. the only thing in life we are promissed is death, and thats what we work our way up to. we try to accomplish so much, so that we can die when were done. life is a race against time, to be the best person you can be. and try to never be forgotten. my dad told me he honks his horn at random times and screams at kids when he passes over a bridge. just sso they will say "hey, remeber that time the dude yelled something at us?", that way he will never be forgotten. i thought that was awesome, untill i realized, once they go, he will be. but i would never tell him that. no raining on parades, or killing peoples hopes. it takes a real person to be a pessimist and a smart person to be a optimist. but it takes a strong sincere person to be able to be both, and know when is the right time to be. not a cliche or a hypocrite, just strong and intelecual. new lease on life, hope the ofer dont expire.

kissmecauseyouknowithurts

a story from the depth of our secret lives as cross dressers

everytime i stare at this blank page my mind goes blank. unless there is just too much going threw it that i cant cath a sentence. i love it when i can think of what i want to say, but thats only when im laying in bed or stretched out on the couch. "Come here girl, go ahead be gone with it,COme to the back, go ahead be gone with it," your cell phone rings, the millionth and one call this hour. you would think you were famous by the amount of people trying to reach you. always unfamiliar numbers always new voices. except there the same people who are always calling, its just theirs way to many to remeber. the ones that called you a year ago, just to say hi and how your day was going. those were the ones you remebered, now there just another file lost in that messy little head of yours. names never go good with faces. smiles always go good with eyes. i called your cell expecting you to answer, but for the first time in years, you didnt. i was shocked, i thought you were hurt and rusheed over to see you. i opened the door to see you with her. watching our movie, siiting in my spot on the couch that i nicely covered. drinking from the cups we bought on our last vacation, now it seems so long ago. the best part, her wearing my shorts, the ones you bought me the night i wanted to fly to miami. they were so cute and funny that i couldnt leave you, plus the smile wasnt easy to get over. you didnt even realize i was there and you leaned over and kissed her. i was going to break everything and that house and beat you senseless. but, i didnt, i couldnt. it would be easy to say i wasnt expecting it, but i was. i was waiting for that day to come. any other guy would have felt my wrath, but it was you. the kid that stole my heart, the one who watched the stars and sunrise with me on the beach. the one who never missed my call, the one who talked to me for hours, sometimes from 12 pm- 8 am. in the middle of your kiss she pulled away, not because she didnt want to kiss you but because she seen me in the door way. you turned around and had that look in your eye, i had only seen it one other time, the time the whole world crshed with us in the middle. the reason for the new furniture and spackle. i didnt even slap the door and run off, because people only do that when they want to be chased after, but i didnt. i nicley shut the door and relocked it. i walked down the steps and bacl to the car, the longest walk in my life. "so did he come out and get you?" "did he call you later?". no, and no. i knew he wouldnt and i didnt want him to. being cold hearted is the new black, and guess whos all trendy. foe someone whos not in to the latest movements, you sure act like you are. i was gonna sit in the car and just cry for a few hours, but it wasnt like that, had no reason to. i drove away and blasted the stereo, not realizing what cd i had in. i was gonna trow it in the back seat but didnt,i put it back on the visor and put the new cd in, the one you bought me. its funny how the one i bough ened up being "our" cd, and the one you bought ened up being "my" cd, shouldnt that have been reversed. our songs on your cd, my songs on mine.drove for hours untill i got lost in a unfamilliar town, but then again any town without you next to me in it is unfamilliar. i wond up on the beach, like most times. the sun was about to rise, i coundt be ther when it rose. held my cell in one hand as to throw it out to see, but i just droped it into my bag. i went to the car, it was so cold out. i reached for my big cummfy sweater that i always have in the back seat. i put the sweater on, turns out it wassnt mine, it was yours. i went to throw it out the window, but decide to leave it on, i was to cold to take it off. finaly found my way out of that god forsaken town. back to my room. layed in bed, too many pictures of you in that room. wanted to rip them all and burn them and brake every last frame. but i went to sleep, i didnt deserve to see the sunrise. woke up and packed everything i had that was not related to you. i put your sweater on the couch, in the exact position it would be if you were sitting there. i loked the door and left."Miami, Miami, Miami Well every hour on the hourYou have to, you just have to trust me Whoever I was then,I can't ever be again". i coulndt be that same girl any more, and this time you werent able to stop me from leaving, not like you wanted to any way.who ccares that we were friends, we were more, just the friends title is easier. sit on the couch and watch movies, vaccation together, sleep in the same bed. not to mention the occasional benifits, but close friends can apparently do that, or so we liked to say. the fun part was being there for eachother when we needed it and having no commitments except the ones we all had with our close friends. but non as close as us. but just the fact of her in my pants, with my glass watching my movie, that just got to me. a week later, the day that we had planned to paint the little mural in that secret little room, you called me. i guess you went to my place and seen me gone, i guess after a while you picked up that all my things that had nothing to do with you were gone. the first thing that came to mind was that i was actually gone, and not that you would miss me or wanted to find me, but that your mural was not going to get done. " something real, make it timeless.An act of God and nothing less will be accepted" my phone rang, i picked it up, eventhough i didnt want to. "where are you, you were supossed to paint the scene today." " is that what you really care about? figures. i knew you changed. well im finaly where i want to be and im not going back, and im not going to be who i was ever again, i cant stand to be. i traded in hell for heaven, this angel got her wings back and you ain cliping them again, good bye!". i never thought i'd have to say that, but it felt good. i may have found home, i thought home was with you, and no one else. turns out home is with out you and with out everyone else. home is just me on my own, not being held up or hoding anyone up. no more weight on these shoulders, no more discrace on these smiles. two days latter you have the balls enough to show up at my house, i knew i shoulndt have used the card to rent it. i let you in, i only talk to tell you to make your self at home, i am not a rude hostess, i am very polite. but i tell you i have to leav and i walk out on to the beach, everyone always knew i was bound to rent a beach house for the summer one year, to bad summer is dieing,like you.you dont say a word because you realized i was right. just being in the same room can slowy help heal it, i hate you were right. night comes and i wont make you sleep on the couch and you know that, the only reason i didnt kick you out of my bed. morning came, i went out to breakfast, and brought you bakc food, god knows we were never up early, but i changed to keep sane. yo appologized and realized i was right all along, you say it can be back to normal, but its way to soon. i tell you to stay with me for a while and then we can ease back in to life back "home", because here you cant act, there is no fooling miami. miam,miam, my heart beats miami. its still to soon to tell, but when we go back, we are just gonna be the way were were the first time we were there, not the people we became.

"..Unhand me, God damn me, Miami"

forsakemethenbrakeme