lets get off this road and make our own...

Aint it weird how as we walk across the sand the waves wash away our foot prints. Its like we were never there, here. No record of what we accomplished and were we have been. our failures and mistakes, all gone, the good and the bad, everything. who will know what we did? who will remeber it/us? we will, and thats all that matters, the two of us. if you leave or i leave, we will still remeber, but thememories wont be as strong as they are/would be when we are together. yea,its good to erase mistakes, but they reminde us of who we are and how we got here, and what about all the good things that got erased? our minds are all we have left, every memory, the good the bad, and the ugly, al for what it is worth, and thats all we need to get threw this night,day, life. so let tthe waves crash down, and erase it all, b/c as long as we know it, thats all that matters, as ive said 8 times already. but atleast no one can follow in our foot steps, atleast thats good, or maybe bad, you decide. Hand in hand, across this beautiful beach, you and me, creating new memories to add to our private collection. dont you love the coast line? eas coast and west, you dont see that very much at home, lakes dont count. stay here with me for a few days, and enjoy the endless horizon line, the sam one that makes you cry, the same one that makes me cry when i think of you.

your beauty over whelms the room, you dont see it, you think they say it to be nice, but they arent, they could careless about being nice. As you turn cross the room and see me with my drink in hand, you start to walk towards me and ignore the ppl trying to get ur attention. you think i light up the room, but it aint me, because im next to you your glow overlaps onto me, so u think its me, but its you. you make me who ui am, like i make you who you are, ita a mutial thing, an understandment if you want, except we dont do it on purpose, its natural.

last night i went ot look at the moon and stars, to see if i seen you, but then i seen a light, i opened my blinds and i seen the outline of the sun rise, it was to late, for me atleast. 5:30 am for me 1:30 am for you, i wish you were back, then i wouldnt have to try to wish that i might be lucky, and fall asleep before sun rise and try to see you. but oh well, we dont all catch breaks like you did.


when i walk that few feet to the bed i see your pictures out the sides of my eyes, and my past out of the conner, andi know who i am. i lift the blanket and slide in, i look out the window, then turn and shut the light, i can finaly sleep w/o it, and w/o the radio, thanks to you. i shut the ipod and turn to sleep. then i turn untill i get comfortable. i realize im only able to fall asleep when i know im facing your picture on my night stand, that cheesy table that i could move in a second just to get away from your smile. but even though my eyes are closed, its nice to know i can open them and see the smile that made me, and keeps me. I keep the phone on the table as it charges, but its already charged this night so i put it on my pillow, as i wait for you to call, but i know you wont, because the world and perfect, if it was we'd get bored. i hold it tight, then tighter and tighter, i'll never let it go. once i let it go, i let you go.

you see the number but wont call it, afraid of betrayl, you must becarefull who you waste time on, and you dont think it should be her, but im telling you it is, i wont screw you over, friends till the end and beyond, and you know it, so chill, and start to dial, they voice on the other line will comfort you, as your voice will comfort her.


youaremissingsomuchjusttakethischancesweetie

someday you'll regret it, but for now, don't worry your pretty little head about it

yes, the new most played song on my ipod was yule shoot your eye out, b/c i would keep it on repeat. but now i just put it on random or a playlist to break up the songs, each one has a diffrent mood so that i just dont stay crying in the coner, now i dont cry, u fixed it, when u werent trying to.

give me a foot and i'll take a yard
give me you mind and ill help set it free
give me you heart and you will get mine in return
hold me tightand illnever let you go


youwillneverknowwhatyouaremisinganditsadamnshame

She didn't choose this roll but she'll play it and make it sincere so you cry, so you cry!

I realized lately that I aint writing for just me, but for a reaction and me. Not the Reaction I want, but the opposite, but its still a reaction, right? Wrong! I don't want this, this isn't what I wanted, every thing after the second post just seems like it is there for a shitty reaction. It is me, but In a bad form, I still got my message but in plain reaction waiting words. I am so sorry. I even sent a letter that had something explaining my words, it was the real reasons that I said, I just wrote it and made it seem like a 9 yr old b/c I figured you cant deny a little girl aspiring to be a writer can you? Guess you can? Plus it sounds better to have a good writing 9 yr old then a shitty writing grown girl. But that's the end of that, or atleast I think/hope. well if it happens again you will be able to see it, aint it weird how I can write to myself and still be at peace with it. If you seen this, then me, you'd give me that smack behind the head, you know, the playful,loving, yet pissed one, to let me know I was stupid and wrong, and should never do it again. But this wasn't fake, it was just translated into shittyness, well u know, and if you don't, u know you can call me and I will explain.



I hear this sound, I know its the crickets outside. It reminds me of that book, the one where when you got to the last page the cricket rubbed his wings together and was able to chirp finally. It may've been a the lonely cricket. Wait, googled it, it was the very quiet cricket, by Eric carle, he always had great books. Second grade memories. Sometimes I think my ipod, or itunes, or myspace is going b/c its just like the beging of the video for that song, the one ppl sing w/o knowing what is truly being said, they hear it, the just don't listen. I used to go crazy w/ the sound of crickets at night, about 3rd to 4th grade, then I never heard them b/c I blocked them out. well I started hearing them again this spring and still do. now I learned to aprecite it, but it does block my train of thought when I get lost in there songs, just like the sirens, someone tie me up so I cant run and I dont forget everything my past has brung. I have "how do I live" on in the background so my thoughts are straight, (unlike lance,not that tha has changed my opinion of him b/c I knew that anyway and it doesnt change who he is as a person) and I am free. untill honorable mention came on, now you have me untill I change the songs back. but how would I like w/o you, not that I have you, but how would I live w/o your words, u should be more confident, but not too much more, like 2% more (I would say 1% but that is not an even number). you keep people going and entertained, I only know of one person as great, but I bet you could guess who that would be.

is it weird I cant wait to talk to you again, b/c that wasnt a real convo, that was when I was addicted to the monitor and believed everything it said and did what it said to.

I havent had twin beds in my room for about a year now, it was good for haveing friends stay over, but it took up to much room, plus when you're clumsy and its dark, you tend to get bruises from stumbling over them in the night, and occasionaly bleed if u hit the sharp cornner hard, and its not funny when u hit your anckle so plz dont laugh if it happens to someone you know.

my room never changes for the most part, except for the bed thing. it has been the same for 7 or more years, I only add stuff, never take stuff away, unless I have to put it in a bin in my closet b/c if I dont my mother will come on here monthly check and throw it out. lined w/ puppy dog posters, spice girl dolls, stuffed animals and a doll or two, it never changes. the one thing in my life that wont/cant/never will change. something stable, something to keep me grounded, something to show me why I am who I am today and how and why I got here, my mistakes and good wrong turns. and every now and then I go threw it all, read books I wrote at age 7, and see songs I sang in chorus,I had a good voice, till I stoped b/c of that time I was sick and couldnt hold anything down, I havent sounded as good since, but I can scream at you better than anyone, just insult something special to me and you will here it.

I am only as good as you
I am only as good as you make me
I am only me b/c of you
I only do this b/c of you
im fine as long as you hold me
as long as you never let go
when you leave I act ok
but then that girly part of me kicks in and I want to cry
but I dont
just keep me w/ you all the time
except for when its our time apart
but if you leave state I will too
but I wont be w/ you constantly on the trip
clingy is annoying as is needyness
but you know I need you sometimes
and that I show clingyness when I feel you need me to
never let me go
cherish me
absorbe me
respect me
treat me as I do you
thats all
best friends for life?
since we know there is no possibility of there ever being more


turn you bedroom light on and look out side, see the moon and stars? now absorbe it.
turn off the light, see the person staring back, good now dont let me go.
turn that light on anywhere on this earth and I will see it, shut it and you will see me.

youdontknowhowmuchyoumeantome
howmuchicanmeantoyou

Lets get these teen hearts beating faster faster!

I wanted to be happy again b/c you destroyed that. And now I am. I whish the same went for you. When you lie together you die together, the lies destroy you, in the worst ways. I need to talk to someone who doesnt know me, so I don't have to keep up an image and I don't have to make a fake one to, someone I can be real to. Someone I wont have to look in the face, and if I do they wouldn't know it, so I would feel better and the weight will be lifted.its so easy to love the people you hate or is it hate the people you love. love to hate and hate to love. it all goes hand in hand. I want to be as great as you, but I wont let myself, b/c I know I will fail, and I only set myself up for failure when it comes to certain things(like maybe you).I hate tattoos, they ruin my theory on regret, just like peircings, but latley i've been thinking of geting ur name on my skin perminatley, but im gonna ask u first. just to show how much I respect you.


kiss me,hold me, tighter, tighter, never let me go!
its dark, I don't feel you, where are you, you left?
what happened to "I love you and im always gonna be by ur side!"?
you aint here, im alone, like you said you wouldn't do, b/c you didnt like when it was done to you.
did u find a new heart to break? a new mind to mess? a new soul to scar? a new body to use?
no, you didnt.
whats off to the side? I feel warmth? what is this?
its you? you never left! I just moved in my sleep as did you.
you turn over and grasp me, I am wrapped in ur arms, I feel safe again.
why did I think u left? I will never think that again, b/c now I know u will never leave me.

it is easier to forget you when ur six feet under. though I would never wish that on u, and I know you (wont) wish that on me.

its 3:44 am, do u know where ur (insert what u consider our relation ship here) is?
^ my time
its 11:44pm do u know where ur (what u consider me) is?
^ ur time


she never fixes this but atleast she tries!

love you more. take my heart in hand and do wat u will, grab a dagger in the other or a lockett, I will respect either choice.


aint it funny how beautiful winter is, but you know we love our summers. maybe its b/c they go faster and maybe its b/c we make them. we procastinate and hate change, and we admitt it. I wish you were here so I could here you voice once more. love you kid, take care of your self, I have to leave this town early in the morning so I have to catch wats left of sleep, since I can finally sleep, well kinda.




Have some composure, where is you posture?!? your puling the triger all wrong!


to: my dearest boy
call this dearest girl, she needs wat you need. (no commitment nessesary, and no, that is not ment in a dirty way)
from: a sincere dearest girl

thank you, eventhugh u probably didnt realize u helped me

hey you, thank you so much, you did something you didnt have to, eventhough you probably started it b/c you wanted to save you ass. i know you are very bussy and dont have time for peoples petty bullshit, but you answered any way. i was just scared, thats all. and even though you didnt directky give me an answer, i know why and respect it. but you did make me realize that the internet was geting to me and you pulled me out and i am myself again, eventhough no one recognized it when i wasnt. well any way thanks and i wont let them get to me, because now i know u didnt change and it was me all along, and you can and will make the right decisions for yourself b/c u are you and thats all that matters, well thx.(it ment alot to me)

- the new ex starry eyed kid
ps. all the shit about my mom, i didnt write, she did when i went to answer my cell, sorry for that. oh and to all the people who gave me a mind fuck: its ok, b/c i was the idiot who went for it and for the record

pete wentz is the nicest guy, give him a break

tolazytousespellcheckrightnow

i never lost my mother, that lady just told me i did, sorry sir

the last post wasnt ment to be, sorry, i let the internet fill my head with lies, but im on the right path again, sorry. <3

when it is all over, and ther is no one left to turn to and there is no one left you love or who loves you, look at the person who's hand you are..

holding b/c that s the person who is about to catch you.

as many times as people have not caught you, both litteraly and figuretivley, you will always have another rowd to back you. your support sytem is here, dont fail it, use it and give back to it. let it know you care and are thankful. oyu are not in this alone even though u think u are and would like to be. talk to us and let us know b/c we are all scared.

" the moral of this story is dog people belong with dog people and cat people belong with cat people"

Starring in this broken mirror
trying to piece my life together
with the fragments you left me with
I see my many faces and expressions
I see your scars that u past on to me
said you never let me go
through what they did to you
said you really loved me but I guess it was a lie
when were all old and you have no one left who loves you and there's no one left you love
when you cant turn to any one and feel like you'll erupt and there's no one there to catch you
and you want to turn to me but afraid ill turn away

will never leave you, I can not, will not double those scars
you hurt me and regret it and I hate you don't forget it

but I love you and you know it
and you know I will always show it

fuck off and go to hell
but ill be right next to you

use me and abuse me and ill do it back to you
this game of love to hate is leaving us in ruins
but this complex of hate to love will be the end of us
we will destroy each other and go down together
as you hold my hand and I grasp yours in return
we know we love eachother and will always be the same
we will stay this way forever


it might not be healthy and destroy us mentally
but we love it and its clear, so put us in the penitentiary
for guilt of love and games


I will never leave you, I can not, will not double those scars


but the day you say it(said it) back to I thought I had to leave
instead I fell back and you caught me, it is (was) the day we finally gave up the sherades
to bad later that day we go down together

one day and one night, one light and one dark, this is down to the line, it all happens here, take it or leave it, or walk all over it and break it.

you know how the sound of you voice makes me week
and how the look in your eyes can melt me
how i would actually do anything for you, and no one eles
you know how i grasp the phone at night and hope that a foreign number will apear and when i answer it will be your voice on the other line
you know i always have so much to sy but have trouble saying it b/c i dont want to be offensive or babble
but you know i do anyway
you know i would never let nyone hurt me in any way
and you know i hate when others let people hurt them in anyway because they can control it, but they dont and they let themselves get hurt
but you know if you ever hurt me i would die,
but you know for some reason i would still love you
you know i stare out my window at night and stare at the stars and moon and hope that you are stareing back, right before i start to think of our place in the world
and you know you can make me or break me without even saying a word,
becuase even a look could do it
and you know this is you
and you know this is me



because you know me better than any one eles, actually, i dont know if you do, but you are me, and i am you, for some reason its like we're the fucking same and i hate it, but i cant change it, this is why will assume u know me better than anyne eles but when you ass out of u and me, i should delete this last section, but i wont, just as a reminder of the little babbling nervous girl who doesnt think before she types and doesnt use the backspace when she knows she should.

and i will always be a little girl at mind and heart sometimes because i will always revert back to old habbits, as most of us do especialy you.

is stalking and dreaming illegal? oops thenim in deep shit! only not really.

keeping in touch with the fans huh? yea, pete wentz updates his journals and logs when he can and yes he updates the q&a's. but then he talks about deleting his aol adress b/c it was over posted, but he is the one who put it in the cd's and on the site, and i dont want to hear that shit about not knowing they were gonna be this big, b/c even if you think there is a 1% chance, that is still a chance. and talk about people not wanting to have a conversation with you, try excepting calls and maybe you can. sometimes yu have to sift through the liars and fakes to find the sincere,honest,and loyal people. yes i say sincere and honest a lot b/c they are really important, b/c w/o them you have shit. so nice way to keep in touch with the fans, im sure that why you stand out.

had to let that off my chest even thou it sounds mean and might be wrong, it is outta love for fob and pete.

Mother nature? Why not father?

Because mother nature is a bitch, that's why. I have no problem admitting it. Women are bitches. I'm one. And some just fuck with peoples minds and hearts. But the thing is if you show here something she loves, then she will love it and not bitch at it or fuck w/ it. Or give her the person she loves then she will only show them love, and only bitch when it is for their own good. Well not all women, only the good ones. And only the good ones can admit it in a sincere way, not a fake way where they say it to trick you.


you cant miss what you never had, and you cant hate what you never loved? Who the fuck says that? You don't know what you got till its gone, that's true, but if you are waiting for something for so long, then you are able to know what you got before it is gone. If that made any sense.


I had a dream that I asked you a question that has been on my mind for sometime and it was like just a long discussion of things and just chilling, but then I had to get back on the plane so I could go to the party I had planed for months. Then all of a sudden it was 10 yrs later and I regretted leaving without seeing if wee could ever have that chat again. Don't you love regret?


in June I was on here till 4 am or 3 am and woke up every day at 6 am. I guess I've been resting lately as I wake up any where from 2 pm to 4:39 pm. But I still go out some what of a lot, I jam pack about every other week, but I still feel a little empty. It feels like summer wasn't here,but now it feels like it is leaving me and before I get to but summer clothes I will be buying fall clothing. That's why going out with the usual bang plus a new one is very important to me. The annual splish splash trip, plus some new ideas of dangerous things we could do (thx to the old famous rtb DVD.)



if I only knew someone as awesome you may be I would be able to........... Scratch that, it wouldn't work. Why? Ever the song deja vu?"Know that I can't get over you'Cause everything I see is you And I don't want no substitute Baby I swear it's Deja VuKnow that I can't get over you'Cause everything I see is youAnd I don't want no substitute Baby I swear it's...Deja...Vu" and the rest of the song says a lot too.

im going crazy in the Conner of my mind with the phrase the darkest cornners of hell are reserved for betrayers and mutiniers in the back of my head.

ily,aaf,tte,bffs, but only in my dreams

pocquieto bueno mucha consa (don't know if I spelled it write)
t means a little bits ok, but toomuch, now you're pushing it.

peace stars, b/c the brightest one represents you.

I would say if you love me then leave me alone and get out of my head, but then that would be a lie

I hate this, how I love to hate you and hate to love you. How I can never stop thinking of you no matter how hard I try. I hate how much Time I spend in front of this screen hoping that maybe I can connect with you without actually having to face you. I hate how sometimes as I go to get changed or to try to sleep, as I walk threw that door, how I want to puke and break every wall and rip every picture down and destroy that night stand. And how I have to turn of my light with my eyes closed b/c that picture of you is on my lamp, right next to the list of street terms for cocaine. I still sleep with my light on every now and then and my clothes on too. Sometimes b/c I actually am really tiered, and others b/c I cant sleep at all. But now I feel like when that light is on that I am waiting for a connection, I don't know why or with who, but if I look deep I can, maybe I just don't wanna know. I hate how this makes me feel. I hate who this has made me. I hate how every other word outta my mouth is your name. I hate how I can find a way to relate everything to you. I hate how I cry when I hear or read Chicago, buffalo, and Ohio, /c they broke my heart. Maybe not my whole heart, but a piece along with a piece of my soul. But it wasn't them, it was the empty promises and lies that I believed that would take me to the place I wanted most, the place where I could enjoy a day and night of heaven on earth. Maybe it is like the song, and the best part of believe is the lie, who am I trying to lie to, it really is the best part. Before I even got to gain a friend I lost a friend. By speaking my mind with out complete censors, I destroyed my message. Love me or hate me, now its your choice, I will respect all off your decisions, no matter what. I just want to know, but I really don't. Even though anything would be great maybe a "blue pixi stix and butterfingers are gods gift for being so hot" or a " I love/ hate (you pick) that crack whore". Because yes my nickname is crack whore and I have a thing for pixi stix and my grandmother always had butterfingers around. But then again if I seen this I would die, yet be more Alive to, I would figure it out if it ever happened but it wont so once again I am safe.i dunno any more. But the one thing I am sure of, I cant Actually explain. I am nothing like this, this blog is my mind when I sit infront of this monitor, when I am out, in real life, you would never know I can be like this (except for that little obsession, that is really annoying to most people so I usually keep quite somewhat of it) because I am a really fun and alive person, except now I've been drained a little b/c of this dumb shit I put my self through.

god give me the strength to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the things I cant, and the strength to deal with the ones I cant.

you cant love or even like the people you don't know, so you cant hate them either. But if you have any feeling towards all the trillions of people in this world that you don't know, then let me be able to forget about you, do or say something that would make me hate you for ever. Wait, don't, it wont work, shit, oh well, I am royally screwed, well whish me luck.


"if you hate me then why do you love me so much?" said jon. " because, it is easier to hate the people you love than the people you hate, and it is easier to love the people you hate then the people you love" said Lana. " is it weird that, that made sense and I understood it?" asked jon. " no, that just means I love you more because you are understanding and semi smart" said Lana. " semi smart! wtf?!" said jon. "yes, semi smart sweetie." joked Lana.

waking up in a south park shirt from elementary school and pink striped capris at 4:39 pm has never felt so good as when I got through have the night not dreaming of you, except for those 3 hrs in the middle of it all.

time to get ready for the club, gonna shake that ass in your honor, and cuss at the hoes for you.


peace out cub scout! oh but wait, I was watching the world cup and started laughing b/c I thought of "rumor has it" lmfao!