She didn't choose this roll but she'll play it and make it sincere so you cry, so you cry!

I realized lately that I aint writing for just me, but for a reaction and me. Not the Reaction I want, but the opposite, but its still a reaction, right? Wrong! I don't want this, this isn't what I wanted, every thing after the second post just seems like it is there for a shitty reaction. It is me, but In a bad form, I still got my message but in plain reaction waiting words. I am so sorry. I even sent a letter that had something explaining my words, it was the real reasons that I said, I just wrote it and made it seem like a 9 yr old b/c I figured you cant deny a little girl aspiring to be a writer can you? Guess you can? Plus it sounds better to have a good writing 9 yr old then a shitty writing grown girl. But that's the end of that, or atleast I think/hope. well if it happens again you will be able to see it, aint it weird how I can write to myself and still be at peace with it. If you seen this, then me, you'd give me that smack behind the head, you know, the playful,loving, yet pissed one, to let me know I was stupid and wrong, and should never do it again. But this wasn't fake, it was just translated into shittyness, well u know, and if you don't, u know you can call me and I will explain.



I hear this sound, I know its the crickets outside. It reminds me of that book, the one where when you got to the last page the cricket rubbed his wings together and was able to chirp finally. It may've been a the lonely cricket. Wait, googled it, it was the very quiet cricket, by Eric carle, he always had great books. Second grade memories. Sometimes I think my ipod, or itunes, or myspace is going b/c its just like the beging of the video for that song, the one ppl sing w/o knowing what is truly being said, they hear it, the just don't listen. I used to go crazy w/ the sound of crickets at night, about 3rd to 4th grade, then I never heard them b/c I blocked them out. well I started hearing them again this spring and still do. now I learned to aprecite it, but it does block my train of thought when I get lost in there songs, just like the sirens, someone tie me up so I cant run and I dont forget everything my past has brung. I have "how do I live" on in the background so my thoughts are straight, (unlike lance,not that tha has changed my opinion of him b/c I knew that anyway and it doesnt change who he is as a person) and I am free. untill honorable mention came on, now you have me untill I change the songs back. but how would I like w/o you, not that I have you, but how would I live w/o your words, u should be more confident, but not too much more, like 2% more (I would say 1% but that is not an even number). you keep people going and entertained, I only know of one person as great, but I bet you could guess who that would be.

is it weird I cant wait to talk to you again, b/c that wasnt a real convo, that was when I was addicted to the monitor and believed everything it said and did what it said to.

I havent had twin beds in my room for about a year now, it was good for haveing friends stay over, but it took up to much room, plus when you're clumsy and its dark, you tend to get bruises from stumbling over them in the night, and occasionaly bleed if u hit the sharp cornner hard, and its not funny when u hit your anckle so plz dont laugh if it happens to someone you know.

my room never changes for the most part, except for the bed thing. it has been the same for 7 or more years, I only add stuff, never take stuff away, unless I have to put it in a bin in my closet b/c if I dont my mother will come on here monthly check and throw it out. lined w/ puppy dog posters, spice girl dolls, stuffed animals and a doll or two, it never changes. the one thing in my life that wont/cant/never will change. something stable, something to keep me grounded, something to show me why I am who I am today and how and why I got here, my mistakes and good wrong turns. and every now and then I go threw it all, read books I wrote at age 7, and see songs I sang in chorus,I had a good voice, till I stoped b/c of that time I was sick and couldnt hold anything down, I havent sounded as good since, but I can scream at you better than anyone, just insult something special to me and you will here it.

I am only as good as you
I am only as good as you make me
I am only me b/c of you
I only do this b/c of you
im fine as long as you hold me
as long as you never let go
when you leave I act ok
but then that girly part of me kicks in and I want to cry
but I dont
just keep me w/ you all the time
except for when its our time apart
but if you leave state I will too
but I wont be w/ you constantly on the trip
clingy is annoying as is needyness
but you know I need you sometimes
and that I show clingyness when I feel you need me to
never let me go
cherish me
absorbe me
respect me
treat me as I do you
thats all
best friends for life?
since we know there is no possibility of there ever being more


turn you bedroom light on and look out side, see the moon and stars? now absorbe it.
turn off the light, see the person staring back, good now dont let me go.
turn that light on anywhere on this earth and I will see it, shut it and you will see me.

youdontknowhowmuchyoumeantome
howmuchicanmeantoyou