I would say if you love me then leave me alone and get out of my head, but then that would be a lie

I hate this, how I love to hate you and hate to love you. How I can never stop thinking of you no matter how hard I try. I hate how much Time I spend in front of this screen hoping that maybe I can connect with you without actually having to face you. I hate how sometimes as I go to get changed or to try to sleep, as I walk threw that door, how I want to puke and break every wall and rip every picture down and destroy that night stand. And how I have to turn of my light with my eyes closed b/c that picture of you is on my lamp, right next to the list of street terms for cocaine. I still sleep with my light on every now and then and my clothes on too. Sometimes b/c I actually am really tiered, and others b/c I cant sleep at all. But now I feel like when that light is on that I am waiting for a connection, I don't know why or with who, but if I look deep I can, maybe I just don't wanna know. I hate how this makes me feel. I hate who this has made me. I hate how every other word outta my mouth is your name. I hate how I can find a way to relate everything to you. I hate how I cry when I hear or read Chicago, buffalo, and Ohio, /c they broke my heart. Maybe not my whole heart, but a piece along with a piece of my soul. But it wasn't them, it was the empty promises and lies that I believed that would take me to the place I wanted most, the place where I could enjoy a day and night of heaven on earth. Maybe it is like the song, and the best part of believe is the lie, who am I trying to lie to, it really is the best part. Before I even got to gain a friend I lost a friend. By speaking my mind with out complete censors, I destroyed my message. Love me or hate me, now its your choice, I will respect all off your decisions, no matter what. I just want to know, but I really don't. Even though anything would be great maybe a "blue pixi stix and butterfingers are gods gift for being so hot" or a " I love/ hate (you pick) that crack whore". Because yes my nickname is crack whore and I have a thing for pixi stix and my grandmother always had butterfingers around. But then again if I seen this I would die, yet be more Alive to, I would figure it out if it ever happened but it wont so once again I am safe.i dunno any more. But the one thing I am sure of, I cant Actually explain. I am nothing like this, this blog is my mind when I sit infront of this monitor, when I am out, in real life, you would never know I can be like this (except for that little obsession, that is really annoying to most people so I usually keep quite somewhat of it) because I am a really fun and alive person, except now I've been drained a little b/c of this dumb shit I put my self through.

god give me the strength to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the things I cant, and the strength to deal with the ones I cant.

you cant love or even like the people you don't know, so you cant hate them either. But if you have any feeling towards all the trillions of people in this world that you don't know, then let me be able to forget about you, do or say something that would make me hate you for ever. Wait, don't, it wont work, shit, oh well, I am royally screwed, well whish me luck.


"if you hate me then why do you love me so much?" said jon. " because, it is easier to hate the people you love than the people you hate, and it is easier to love the people you hate then the people you love" said Lana. " is it weird that, that made sense and I understood it?" asked jon. " no, that just means I love you more because you are understanding and semi smart" said Lana. " semi smart! wtf?!" said jon. "yes, semi smart sweetie." joked Lana.

waking up in a south park shirt from elementary school and pink striped capris at 4:39 pm has never felt so good as when I got through have the night not dreaming of you, except for those 3 hrs in the middle of it all.

time to get ready for the club, gonna shake that ass in your honor, and cuss at the hoes for you.


peace out cub scout! oh but wait, I was watching the world cup and started laughing b/c I thought of "rumor has it" lmfao!